Like a runaway

I am more than you know.

I am finally in a way, free, and it feels that at the same time, I am far from that. This life is something I greatly love, this is the life I will one day live. I wish it could be from this time on, but I know this is greatly impossible, at least ridiculously highly unlikely. And wow, that was a lot of -ly's all in a row.

I spend these nights counting stars like a runaway and maybe I could call this home tonight. I whisper all these secrets to a blank page. So call me California, call me what you will cause I am bigger than this place and so far from alone.

I now know that I am capable of what I never thought was possible at this point in my life. Sure, some things I still need major support on, but the general concept is something I can do. I have too little faith in myself. I do not believe I can do very much, and yet I set such high expectations of myself. I think I am learning more about myself now than I have in a while and definitely learning things about myself that I couldn't have learned back at home. You might think I'm ignorant, immature, or just plain idiotic, but you know what, that's okay. Things are changing, times are changing, I am changing. This has been a process that has been going on, I feel that I have just been trapped in a place and life that wasn't truly me. I wasn't myself, I wasn't comfortable, I wasn't as happy as I could be. I finally am happier, I am doing better than I was before. Some people say that you can't just pick up and leave and be happy, but I am going to say that you can. It is possible. I didn't have much going for me back in Florida, not at all. At least not in Jacksonville, I knew it in my heart, I definitely knew it. It hurt me that I had to stay there, I didn't have a choice, I still don't have a choice but to go back and finish school there, but living this life now has given me motivation to finish school quickly and to do well so that I can move out of that state to somewhere else. Give me hope if I haven't lost this feeling. You are so far gone, I'm not pretending that you're all I want, just keep it steady.

I found a reason, wipe your eyes.

I am officially 100 percent over Florida. I was over it before, but I have never been so sure until now. Hopefully over the next few months I will learn even more about myself and the country in which I live so I can successfully move to somewhere I truly love whenever I finish school in another 2 years.

To sleep with only memories is harder every night.
Trust me, things are still difficult missing my family and very few "friends," but I know this is better for me. I need to be more independent, I am way too dependent upon others. Especially on my family and on the two friends I'm actually still in contact with. I can even tell and feel that I am drifting away from one of them already. So my family and Nick are all that I have from back home. I'm glad that I wasn't close to many people because otherwise, this might be difficult, I might be homesick, thankfully I'm not. I am glad that I only had my family. My family was there for me all of the time, even though sometimes I struggled getting along or being happy there, I knew they were going to be there for me in the long haul, they'd always love me, well, most of the time. I am still scared of some things, but my family is my number one, I do miss them a ton, do not get me wrong, but I have got to grow up sometime, why not now? Why not when I am still weary on life and where I stand? I needed a push, I needed motivation, I received it, and here I am, standing on my own two feet with my family only as a post to lean on instead of being a tripod underneath me. I have to admit that I was extremely worried, but I am making it okay. I am doing well. As for friends, I didn't really have any. People may find that offensive, but it is true. I suppose I only really had one friend at the time of me moving and that was Nick Campbell who has texted and/or called me everyday even if I haven't been able to respond back to him because of my busy days. I'm glad to know that I did make at least one decent friend, no offense to anyone else, but really, who was truly a friend to me? Because I cannot think of another one other than Nick and I'm sorry if that hurts you, but it's the truth. I just didn't have any other friends.

Living in a house with 13 others is nice, I have somebody there almost all of the time. People of different dynamics and people I can relate to, people who are caring and loving, people who have experienced so much at all of our young ages. It is just really comforting and nice. I love these people so much already, I am glad that I am getting this experience. They are helping me adjust really well to this new life, I am extremely thankful for all of them.

I'm not sure if I have much else to say, this post is already ridiculously long.
I just had a lot on my mind. A lot. And I'm sure there is more, but I just feel like relaxing and not thinking so much. Maybe I'll go read a book or something, not really sure, I just have to do something. Have a great day, all.






lovelovegrowth