no one can serve two masters.

unfortunately, i struggle with that on a daily basis [the fact that no one can serve two masters as it states in Matthew 6:24]. i say that i serve God, which i like to think i do, but in all honesty, i am not always serving Him. i try to say my life is in His hands, but more often than i blink it seems that i am trying to take my life back from Him. i need to not think i have control. i need to realize that it is okay that i am not living a perfect, graceful life. there is so much i have yet to learn. i am so young, i may be an "adult" legally, but spiritually, it seems like i am still a toddler. always falling down, always wanting my Daddy, and always trying to ignore the fact that i did something bad [sin].

once again, God spoke straight to me for a while now, and once again, Ryan allowed God to speak through Him, so again...God spoke to me, to remind me and to reassure me of all my thoughts and how they are from Him, and not just random things running through my mind that do not pertain to much of anything. God has given me a mind that is constantly thinking about a great multitude of things at the same time, things that many people do not even have cross their minds too often, if at all. i guess this is a blessing, but to me...it is still in disguise. i think so much. sometimes my thoughts scare me, i over analyze situations possibly. i am not sure. i just know i think a lot. i enjoy thinking. it appears to take the place of "boredom" in my life.

i need to once again, sort out my life, and give all of myself back to the world and i need to make sure i only keep what displays Christ. kind of as if i am cleaning out my closet of all the old clothes that no longer fit, i need to clean out myself of all my old self that no longer fits into this life of mine, the life of a christian. i need to reassemble my wardrobe. it seems that i am always buying new clothes, whether it's just to have, to "show-off," or just to add to the lack of space in my closet. and by the way to all of you who didn't quite follow that, i am not exactly referring to my physical closet, but more of my life. and that i am always taking in new tasks or new somethings to clutter my life or to "show-off" to others, to elevate myself for some reason or another, or just to add to the clutter or "noise" of the world and my life. i need to stop. i need to rid myself of all the things i no longer need. this includes a lot. i'll need to pray about everything and allow God to reveal to me the things i no longer "fit in to" anymore because i have grown out of them. i pray that i continually grow until the day i die and even further more. also, i need to pray for the obedience and faith to be able to listen to God and to follow the things He tells me to rid myself of. i am scared that it might be things or people i really do not want to give up. fear seems to run my life sometimes, i need to stop allowing it to.

also, my future. more and more it is resonating in my mind. i know i am called to be a missionary, internationally. i do not understand how this is supposed to happen. i do not know what university i will go to. i do not know anything about it other than that is what i am called to do. this fogginess of everything adds to my fear i'm guessing, i have no idea, but it's just a guess. i want to give up my life to Him so badly, i really and truly do. i just find it extremely difficult to do. there are so many plans, so many different, completely different, plans that i thought my life could be. and then God informs me of the plans He has for my life. things all get turned upside down it seems. but then i read the verse proverbs 19:21 and realized that it is expected; for me to have so many plans for my own life, but the plan that should and will prevail will be my purpose set forth by God.

wow, so this is not flowing with the rest of this blog fully [which i actually don't think it really flows too much at all, i'm bad with that, sorry], but i just watched a video on youtube by this pastor, John Piper, that my friend, Jessica Rouse, had sent me. and prior to me watching that, i had just finished and posted a bulletin on myspace saying about how God has been speaking to me so much and i have been willing and open enough to hear Him and to listen and to take in all of that He has been telling me. and what scares me once again, is that He spoke to me to talk to me about giving things up. i had just mentioned that earlier in my blog, and for all i know, i could have stopped mid-thought to watch that video or to reply to a message from jessica, getting all of the timing correct and my position correct in this blog, for me to tie this in. John Piper mentioned what Ryan mentioned earlier, about treasures and how God should be our treasure, because like the book of Matthew says, where our treasures are is where our hearts are, also. Piper also said, "God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in Him in the midst of loss, not prosperity." God is most glofiried in me when i am most satisfied in Him in the midst of loss. did you catch that? the midst of loss. this scares me. a lot. but it makes me so happy. God gives me emotions that i cannot even explain in words i know. God is awe-inspiring. God is awe-creating. God is awe. the midst of loss....that just sticks with me. Wow...

so, i am pretty sure that i have probably left stuff out that i have planned to write about, but maybe God just had me include the "important" things or something. once again, i have no idea. but my plans are not what will prevail, God's purpose. so God probably has a purpose for me writing this blog, and so my humanly plans were scratched out of the picture, but i am fine with that to the fullest extent. i hope you got something out of this, even if it's just that: wow, jenny has a strange thought process.

well, have a fantastic week!
peace!