Thursday, October 30, 2008

I'm just a girl with the ability.

I'm cold as fire baby, hot as ice.
Holler if you hear me, can I get a witness?

You live, you learn.
I am still in that process.
I always will be.
And clearly, you have just begun.
I hope that you learn a lot during this time.
Take it, treasure it, appreciate it.
Maturity will come, wisdom will come.
It is a beautiful process, don't let it go to waste.
Learn to appreciate everything and everyone.
Just because you think one thing, doesn't make it true;
Actually, it is probably far from the truth.
It is difficult at times to distinguish, but you will learn.
Ask questions, don't accuse, try not to judge, make room for error.
Life doesn't come as easily as you've had it.
Things don't just come as you ask, you work for them.
The real world will welcome you whenever you're ready.
Strap in and enjoy the ride. This is what we call reality.


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

You're speaking foreign language.

I am going to spend time thinking of 6 words to create a memoir of me as a challenge that Stephen Christian has introduced.

I didn't realize this was so much of a challenge, feel free to leave your 6 word memoir of yourself. I doubt anybody will or that anyone reads this, but if you do, if you're out there, it'd be nice to know. You can leave it as anonymous.

This should be interesting.
As for myself, I need to contemplate and discuss with myself what 6 words can create a memoir of me. Six words, it's amazing how so little can say so much.


We've got the dreamer's disease.

It has come to this.
I am not sure how to handle this.
No, this isn't some huge ordeal at all.
It is actually quite minuscule, but I have just now noticed it, or it has just happened, I am not exactly sure.
But....Well, I don't know.
I honestly am not sure how it has come to this, I am confused and yet blissful.
It is nice, but complicated. Captivating, that's a definite.
Oh boy, this will be interesting.
Extremely, extremely interesting....
Actually....hmm, well, ....hmmm.
Yeah, let's just leave it as....nothing.
Nothing at all....other than bliss, pure bliss.

loveloveawhhh [:

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Glamorous indie rock and roll

It's indie rock and roll for me.

Oh, I voted today.
I am part of history in the making.
Whoever wins, I was a part of it.
This is neat.


Monday, October 27, 2008

That was in the basement.

Quality, not quantity.

You really do learn who your true, good, honest friends are over time.
The best friends that you have ever had.
You can't just replace a best friend.
They had that title for a reason.
"When you say best friend it means friends forever."
If somebody is truly one of your best friends, it will be friends forever.
That person is going to be the one you can go to no matter what, no matter how long it's been since you have talked, none of that matters, that person will still be your friend when you need him/her.
That person will still be one of the best friends you have ever had.

Thank-you to the people who have reminded me of that lately.


Sunday, October 26, 2008

Death is just a memory.

My mind, my overanalyzing, my twisting things in my head.
I do not understand the way my mind works or why it works in the way it does.
I am not sure I always like it, it's so bizarre.
Interesting, perhaps too interesting?


Friday, October 24, 2008

Post Script

I am cleaning.
Take that as you please.


but you'll sail along if you don't hold the rope.

The truth is, I do not know you just as you do not know me.
Life is a mystery, as are we.
I do believe explorations are of the most fun;
Adventurous journeys we will all take throughout our lifetime.
Sometimes it will bring upon fright, other times pure bliss.
Never let your fear overcome you, you must always overcome your fear.
For if ever your fear overcomes you, you are then the puppet of your own fear.
Never let that happen, always be yourself, no matter who is watching.
Trust this if you trust nothing else, somebody is always watching.
Get away with it now, get away with it never.
Take a chance, break the norms, leave a legacy.
Welcome to the life of a space cadet.
Enjoy the ride.


I am living proof.

Boxes packed and I'm ready to go. Piled to the ceiling, memories are all tucked away, the times we shared slowly fade as I step out the door. What's ahead, I am not sure, the secret is held within the hands of time. I grasp onto the hands with a desperate attempt to pry them apart, I try to run the race against the clock. I take one stride forward as the clock is ticking ahead of me, no matter what, I cannot seem to keep up. I will not catch time as it paces in front of me. The loose grip I had on the hands of time slowly weakens until it rips away. I can never know what is to come, all I can know what is here and now, and even then, I still feel as if I don't know. Does this mean I can know nothing, ever? I am not sure what it means, but I still wonder, I try to figure out this dilemma so many people refer to as life. I look around in confusion as well as anguish, completely unaware as to what street to take next, do I run away, do I run back, or do I slowly curl up in a ball in hopes that I can do nothing and still amount to something? The world as I know it grows ever clear, I am starting to learn that I never understood a single thing as I once believed it to be. My world has been flipped upside down. So many times before my world was inching closer and closer to being dismantled, but I rushed to place it back on the ground, I finally let go, I finally was able to let all control be taken away from me. I don't need the controls any longer, the controls I stole from somebody else, they never really belonged to me. I stole and learned the consequences. My life is now in the control of somebody else, upside down? No, the realization is that this is actually right side up, I've been living under this rock of the world and now I can finally see the light of day. I am no longer just another pebble mixed in the gravel, I am finally something more. I have grown, I have separated myself to be able to grow with the help of my controller. I am doing what no pebble could ever do before, I am growing in strength and size. I will leave a mark larger than those mixed in that gravel path. I am unique. I have packed my boxes and I have thrown them over the cliff. All of those memories, all of that life, thrown away, forever gone, shattered into the oblivion of space. A new life, a new perspective, a new me. I will arise from the dust and I will float on.


Thursday, October 23, 2008

We stood like statues at the gate.

You can't deny feeling feelings because then you'll feel even worse.
-Life with Derek

I have realized that I have been doing just that for quite some time now. I ignore my feelings or push them off as if they do not exist so that I can stay cheerful. Yes, it is good to be happy, but eventually, everything bottles up and then I explode. Whether the explosion is towards others (which is rare) or if it is just within myself, this probably...or rather, obviously, isn't the best method for me. I am not sure that I know many other ways, so I am going to start not bottling everything up or ignoring things, I will live and learn. I am going to educate myself for a change because for so long, I have allowed others to teach me. I have taken the word of other's and not experienced so much of the world on my own. This goes for my thoughts and for my actions. I refuse to grow up to be who you are, I'm sorry. I am not only going to change the world, I am going to change the pattern of this family. I am exhausted from living in all of this, I can do it, though, I know I can.

P.S. Words have an effect, but actions speak louder than words.

...I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this.


This midwest town is gonna miss you.


The beauty of simplicity

Replacing old habits with new habits, but are they better habits?
Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't.
Replacing old mindsets with new mindsets, once again, are they better, or not?
Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't.

Life is full of surprises, at least from our point of view.

The beauty of simplicity, oh, how true of a statement.
Simplicity is where the beauty lies, the time that you can take and just relax and think about anything and everything. Simplicity while reading a book, playing guitar, spending time with family or friends, simplicity is key.

The beauty of the Lord can be seen all around us.
The beauty of the world is all around us.
However, do not be fooled by the beauty that the world has from the Lord with the "beauty" of being of the world. That beauty fades, the beauty that the Lord offers is eternal.

Eternally Beautiful, now that's a concept our generation should grasp onto.


I felt like there was something missing in my day to day life

Africa, I miss it so much.
I miss the continent, the people, the lifestyle, everything.
Rute, Mukatako, Duni, Osi, Mariamme, and the rest of the children in Maweni.
I miss the Limpopo River, I miss the wild animals, I miss sleeping in a tent, I miss seeing over 14 shooting stars in one night, I miss the closeness of the skies, I miss the air, I miss everything.
I love Africa. I love the village of Maweni. I love the food in Africa.
I miss Mozambique and South Africa so much. I want to go back very soon, I pray that God has me back, I feel that God will bring me back.
I am so thankful.
I am in love with God.
I am in love with Africa.
I am in love.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

This is the life

This is who I want to be.
I am who I am.
I am who I am for a reason.
I am who I am for a purpose.
I have a purpose.
Everything has a rhyme and reason.
I love God.
I love that our world, our generation is making a difference.
We are finally being the change we wish to see in the world.
I am so excited.
I pray that when I have children (in a while from now, of course), that they, too, are blessed with a passion to help others and to be the difference, to be the change they wish to see in the world.
I want to always be closer to God.
I am in the world, but not of the world.
I am here for you, I am here for people, I am here for the greater good, I am here to be the change, I am here.


Sunday, October 19, 2008

Newport Living

I spy everything I shouldn't.
I can spot the little specks of dirt that you're just brushing under the rug for somebody to stumble across later.
I am winning in this game of hide and seek. Your hiding spots are right in the open and yet you think of yourself as clever.
This song has only one ending, but you keep singing the wrong tune. Well-rehearsed? Maybe in your mind, but the people that are well-trained in this area can spot the flaws, noticing each and everytime you go off key. Start singing the correct melody to get this song back on the right track.
The train is coming full speed, you have to run faster and faster because you're going to get caught.
You might be able to dodge it for a little while, but in the end, you will not prevail.

Time is moving on and so am I.


Saturday, October 18, 2008

10 million people, each with their problems, why should anyone care?

I am not just a man vastly lost in this world, lost in a sea of faces. Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine because You traded Your life for mine.
Sometimes my life, it feels so trivial. Immersed in the greatness of space, yet somehow You still find the time for me, it's then You show me Your love.

I wonder if I made the right decision so many times, I also wonder how different things would be if I made the decision to take a different path, I wonder if things would be better or if things would be just as bad or even worse. But then I remember that whatever is the situation, wherever I am in my life, this is exactly where God has me, I made the decisions I made for a reason and I am taking the path less traveled and I am giving it all to God. That is what truly matters. I might stray off sometimes, but God is still going to guide me in the right direction. I am getting back onto the correct path and I feel that it is so close to me. I fall away from it on occasion, but I tend to always find my way back. Thank goodness He never lets go. I am a letdown, a disappointment, a human. I know this and I am okay with that. Forgive me or not for my mistakes, the fact of the matter is that God forgives me and so do I. I forgive myself and I sometimes feel that seeking forgiveness from myself and eventually forgiving myself can be harder than asking God for forgiveness. I am rarely judgmental towards other people, I think that's because I am constantly judging myself and tearing myself apart. I over analyze every situation and sometimes it's just entertaining while other times, it just brings me down. I guess that to get up and to grow stronger, you've got to first be knocked down, so maybe subconsciously I am just building myself up. Maybe I have yet to reach the most difficult point of my life, so at a young age I am making myself stronger in preparation for what's to come. I have an opportunity in January to move to California and then live on the road for a semester with Toms Shoes. I pray that everything works out and that I will be doing this. My parents are seeming supportive so far and I feel that this is where God wants me, so if this is truly the case, then everything will work out for His cause. I am so excited and so overwhelmed by this great love and joy and adventure. I love that at such a young age I am able to do so much and I know that it is because of God. I just need to continue living my life for Him. The world isn't worth it, the world is not worth my time, the people in the world may be, but not the things of this world. I am worth so much more than this world, I am going to live my life for God continually. I will be judged and I will be torn to pieces for this stand I am willing to make, but I would love so much to die in His name. Cassie Burnall is one of my role models and always will be. To die for God at such a young She had such bravery and was so sure of herself and God....she died for Him. I love God and I want to make an impact on people just as Cassie did and just as Zach Hunter is currently doing. Our generation can be the change, our generation should be the change. We must be the change we wish to see in the world. I'm in, are you?


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Is this coincidence or connection?

Day one of mine and Sarah's quest for a better relationship with God has begun. We started out in Colossians, the focus on 3:5-17. It is quite amazing how God worked that one out. It relates so closely to our lives at the moment, God works in the most amazing of all ways and I couldn't appreciate Him anymore for that. Not only did God amaze me in that way, but today, I have been so extremely busy and under so much stress, and yet I was not stressed out at all and I have been happier than I have been in the past week or so as well. It was amazing, I feel like I'm on the right track. I love my friends and I love my life, I have been blessed to such an extreme and I am so thankful for that. I have friends supporting me on this journey as well as a friend going on this journey with me, not just any friend, but a true best friend, which I haven't had in a while. Well, Josh, but he is a boy, Sarah is my first girl best friend in quite some time and I am very thankful for her friendship, it truly does mean a lot to me. Things in my life have finally started to fall into place. Happiness truly is inevitable. :)


Monday, October 13, 2008

you would kill for this, just a little bit, just a little bit, you would.

So last night was awful, today has been okay, but not great. Things are working out, though. I can tell. Whether it is the outcome I desire at the moment or not, it is the outcome that God has planned and that is truly what matters. I have once again realized in this situation that things are going to happen, I cannot control that. There is no reason for regrets, sure, I mess up, but so does everyone else. I am forgiven by God, if people don't forgive me, that's not too big of a deal, because people are going to do what they do and I cannot control other people, nor do I want to try, that seems like too big of a hassle for me to even attempt, I'll just leave other people to God. Overall, I am very happy. I know mistakes I have made and I have become more aware of things of the past that have slowly crept their way back in, and I am reminded to watch out and to make sure that those situations do not recur. Of course it will be difficult, but it wouldn't be life if it was a breeze. I am content with everything that has happened, finally. If I told you I wanted to talk to you regarding this situation, nevermind that. I am putting it in the past, I am moving forward with things, there is no reason I shouldn't. Sure, awkward moments will happen come later, but that's okay, if you know me well enough, you know that a day doesn't go by without me having an awkward moment. I tend to make situations awkward when they shouldn't be because I am just awkward in and of myself. I'm fine with that, though. Awkward is me, awkward is my life, awkward is my family and friends. Without awkward, I'm not sure how things would even continue on in my life. I love my life, therefore I must love awkward. And well...that's awkward. :)