Saturday, January 4, 2014

I am letting myself go.

I think it's okay to not know what you want out of life. I think it's okay to live knowing your purpose, but not knowing how to fulfill that purpose. I think that will come with time. And I don't think there is a specific timeline that we all must follow. Each person is different, each of our lives is specific to who we are.

I'm not who I'm supposed to be. At least that's my understanding. I'm not living this good ol' American dream life. I'm 24 and I'm not "settled" or on my way to be settled. I have a wandering soul and no desire to be kept in one place. I don't have commitments that keep me in one location and while I find that freeing, other people see it as irresponsible. I may not know exactly what I want to do, so what's wrong with doing a lot of things to figure out what it is I want to do? Why do I have to pick one thing now that doesn't bring joy or happiness? Why do I have to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life by the time I'm 25?

I understand my brother is engaged, owns a house. My parents were married and having children when they were just a few years older than I am now. A good amount of my friends are married, have children, or are at least engaged. They have "settled down." And there is nothing wrong with that, but at the same time, I don't think there's anything wrong with the way I've chosen to live life either.

I have a passion to see the world. To help people, to experience life in a way other's only dream of. Why do I need to join the millions that live a mundane life and dream of living a different life when I can actually live that life? Why do I need to live a life that others see fit? It's difficult because I'm not understood. I'm not sure how to be.

I want to live life. I want to see things. I want to travel. I want to live with reckless abandon. I want to mess up and learn from it. I want to "fail" so I can learn from it, because in my eyes, that's not failing at all. You live and you learn. You get yourself into difficult situations, but because of those, you come out stronger. How is that irresponsible? How is it irresponsible to have the ambition to live the life you want? We're taught about all of these places growing up, why can't I visit these places? Why can't I work in everything? Why do I have to be a master of one specific thing? What is wrong with being a jack of all trades and a master of none?

I'm sick of being told I'm irresponsible or I need to settle down so people can stop worrying about me. Just stop worrying about me. I'm not going to change the way I live life. I want to live, truly live. I don't want to live a life I don't want to. You can want to live a specific life, that's fine. I'm not going to tell you you're wrong in doing so. At the same time, don't tell me I'm wrong for wanting to live a life different from the status quo.

I've been told that people appreciate the fact that I live life with a "Why not?" perspective. I want to continue to be that person. If an opportunity arises, why not take it? Why wait? Why wait until things fall into place? Because if I waited for that, I'd be waiting forever. I'd be stuck waiting for the "perfect time" when really, that time is now. How is a time other than NOW any more perfect?

Sure I change my mind a lot. But that's not because I don't know what I want. It's because I know that I want to do it all. I don't care in what order, I just want to do things. I want to live. Experience. Laugh and be happy. I want to experience life on a level that so many others never get to.  This world is beautiful, is it not? I want to see it. I want to see how people live. I want to help people that need help. I don't care about making money or having a secure job, I care about helping other's reach their potential and helping others to live life to the fullest. And one way I've been able to do that is to live that. I live the life that I want to live, the life I dream of living.

I can't let people hold me back. I'm sorry for letting people down. But I can't live my life to make other's happy and letting myself be miserable in the process. I'm sorry that you don't understand why I want to live life this way. I'm sorry that while my mind sees it as exploring new opportunities that somehow you see it as running away from things. It's not running away from the past, it's running towards the future, towards the unknown and towards new opportunities. It's running to live a life I desire, towards happiness and a life of excitement.

I want to be happy. And for me, happiness is in the unknown. The adventure.

God made such a beautiful world and he gave me this bravery and spunk to explore it. So please, join me on this journey. I need your love and your support. I don't need you to be the rest of the world pointing out things that could go wrong. I don't need more people pointing out flaws or mistakes, I need you showing love and support. Showing me that I'll make it and that you love me. That life is worth living and you appreciate my desire to live life undaunted.

I need to do this. I have to.

I'm so sorry for letting you down. I am. But I can't live a life continually letting myself down. Stuck in one place. Living a life for others to be comfortable instead of for myself and what I want out of life.

I'm 24. I'm selfish. I'm stupid. Let me make these mistakes.

For 2014, I want to live a life of adventure.


Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Accused in absence of wrong. Too much to make sense of it all.

It's funny how God uses people. It's funny how his timing is always right. How he gives you exactly what you need to hear and when.

God's timing is always the best. It's the one we should base our lives on. Our lives are not ours to dictate. Our lives are His. He knows. He's always there.

He's always waiting on us. Loving us. Unconditionally.

Oh, how he loves us.

My soul will rest in your embrace.
For I am Yours, and You are mine.

Wow, how lucky. How incredibly lucky and blessed we are.

Thank you Lord for sending the people you have into my life. Thank you for using people even though they don't know You. Thank you for everything and for always being there for me. No matter how many times I mess up. No matter how terrible of a person I can be. You're always there. You always forgive. You never give up. You always love me. You think I'm worth so much. That's so beautiful.

Thank you for reminding me who I am in You. Thank you for giving me unlimited chances. Thank you for putting people into my life that remind me of positivity. Of who I really am. Of who I am able to be. And to show me how people view me.

Thank you that even though I screw up so terribly and say mean and hateful things, that You still love me. Somehow, you do.

Lord. Oh to be like you.

Show me how to love like you love me.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours.

My faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

Lord, I know that everything I go through, You understand. I know that I can relate my situations back to You and think about how you handled or would handle this situation. Help me to not just think about it, but to act as You would, too. Help me to be Christ-like.

But please, I need Your help. There is no way I can do it alone.

I've made a lot of mistakes lately in regards to my attitude and how I treat people.
I need to fix it. I'm ashamed. Help me to forgive myself. Help me to shine like You want me to.

Help me to be a Christian. Help me to be a light so others can see You because of my presence in their life. Lord, I know what I'm capable of. And I pray that you have me doing so much more than I know I'm capable of.

So please, as I've failed lately, help me to move on. To be happy and joyful.

Heal my heart and make it clean.

We love you, Lord.
You are our God.
You alone are good.

Let now the lost be welcomed home.

Thank you for having unconditional love continuously poured out onto us.
Thank you for always reaching for us.
Thank you for letting me know I have worth when I think I've lost it all.


Monday, November 26, 2012

Wiser than our understanding.

My heart and my passion too often gets pushed aside. I love my family, however, they're mindset is different than mine.
I was reading through one of those "personality test" things again, and noticed that what I am, is 15-20% of the world population. To me, that still sounds like a lot, but in reality, I know it's not. I am an "idealist" according to multiple personality tests that I found online (and we all know the internet is always right). It's difficult for me to understand the way people think at times, but instead of shutting them out because of it, I strive to understand. I ask questions. My 8th grade science teacher referred to me as Miles in Uncle Buck because of the multitude of questions I asked. He always compared me to a cat, a curious cat. I have no problem with either of these things. Too often people are too concerned about what others think to ask questions. They're concerned about what others may think of them. Why? I have no idea. I know that people idolize approval, something I never understood, but got to learn more about late last year through a Bible study with amazing girls. I am confused as to what I am. I have difficulty with making things black and white. I'm not sure that many things in this world are that simple. There are always different circumstances to make things gray.
I don't like judging people. I don't like when people judge people. However, I do struggle with judging people. The thing is, I'm typically judging the people that are judging other people. Did you follow that? I hope so. I'll be honest, not arrogant, and say that I typically try not to judge others. Unfortunately, I fail. I get all smug when I see people judging or looking down on others. All, "Who are you to think you can judge them?" I'm not sure if that's me judging, but to me it is. So I think I judge others, but I'm not really sure on that one. Again, gray.

One thing I know to be black and white is God, his word and his love. (This was a random sidenote, moving on to other nonsense now...)

I know that I'm called to a purpose that is bigger than the average 9-5 job and lifestyle. My heart aches for more than that. I want to help people. I want to show others how great life can be, especially with God. I want people to realize that things always get better. Happiness is inevitable.

I know that God has blessed me with my life. I have had hard times, I have had glorious and amazing times. I am so blessed to have been able to do all that I have being only 23. I'm blessed to have had this past year off to reflect on everything, figure things out, and relax. God always provides. He knows what he's doing. And now it's nearing the end of 2012 and I know that 2013 has big things for me. I know that changes are going to take place, I know that it's going to start a new chapter in my life. These are things God has been preparing me for and I'm so thankful for that. I can't remember the last time I've had this much peace with life. When it comes to idols, one of the ones I think I am is control. So for me to be at peace without a clue as to what comes's a big deal. I'm trusting God. I know he has a path for me and I know my trust in him is going to help things along.

Big moves. Big changes.

I'm blessed. So thankful.

Life really is too beautiful for me to explain.
I wish everyone could be this optimistic about life.
Thank you God for these eyes, this heart, and this passion.
I can't wait to share it with everyone until the end of my days.


Saturday, March 3, 2012

Your love has won.

I felt like an update was needed. My posts over the past several months have talked about struggle, confusion and randomness.

I have once again come to peace with things. I'm glad that God's sent me little reminders lately. Grounding me again. Bringing me back to the basics of it all. Remembering my purpose.
It is so good.

The reminders have come in the form of conversations with friends, music, quotes, movies, books, friend's praying for me, etc.
The best thing we can do right now is take everything as it comes, and not worry ourselves with things that have happened, or things that are to come.
You may tell a tale that takes up residence in someone's soul, becomes their blood and self and purpose. That tale will move them and drive them and who knows what they might do because of it, because of your words. That is your role, your gift. 
Those are both quotes from "The Night Circus," a book I recently read and they really hit home with me. I just wanted to share some examples of the reminders I've gotten about why I'm alive and how to live life. God works in the best of ways. He reaches you in ways that you don't expect.

I'm happy. I'm content. I feel safe knowing that everything is in His hands and I don't have to worry about it. All I need to do is take that first step and He'll take care of it from there. My fears are removed. After all, fear is not of God, rather of the enemy who comes to steal, kill and destroy. So thankful to be on God's side. The war is over. Love has won. #WhiteFlag

This post is poorly written and to be honest, I'm not really fully focused on writing this. For that, I apologize. I am currently helping a friend out with building her website. I may edit this later or re-write it completely. Chances are, I won't.


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

This much is true.

I hate being attacked. I don't like that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy.
It stinks that while I know this, I still believe and fall into his lies and tricks. It crushes me even more.

I need prayer. I cannot do this on my own. This is too much to carry on my own, thankful that I have God.

Tough times...