Sunday, December 28, 2008

I'm gonna speak the words that need no form.

Over the past year or so, I have changed. I have had my ups and downs, my failures and I have had my times of success. I have fallen, stumbled, tripped, and bruised. I have risen, healed, mended, and stood tall. I have made mistakes and I have forgiven myself for those. I have run away from truth, I have been unfaithful. I have begged for mercy, I have surrendered it all. I have learned, I have gained wisdom, I have overcome. I cannot hide from anything, anyone. I am living for Truth, Mercy, Love, Loyalty. I am living for God. I have been, I have made errors, but I will continue to worship the Lord, my God, for all eternity. I will learn to be content as Paul did. I will keep my focus on the God who saved my life. He continues to lift me up, He continues to love me, no matter what. I may gain new people in my life, but I will lose those people, I have gained God and I will never lose Him. I am in love with God and that is the only love I know. I want to show the world the love of God. I am going to do great things in His name, I know it, I can feel it. It's already begun. Each year, it seems that something new and exciting comes up, something for me to serve Him in an even greater way than my everyday life. I am blessed. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. I love my God for this. I love your God. I love our God. I love the God. I love God. I am going to continually grow closer to Him. I have stumbled, but I am going to get right back up and continue this awesome journey. Life is so much more than unpredictable. I am so much more than replaceable. He is my all in all. Forever and always.

btw--Next week (:


We don't need a map and you can throw your phone away.

What do you say, we leave for California.
If we drive all night, we can make it by the morning.
And no one has to know if we decide to go, what do you say, we leave for California.
-Metro Station


Next week. Wierd.

btw, I think I use too many commas (:


Thursday, December 25, 2008

She's got it all figured out.

Merry Christmas All!

btw, I'm in awe that Little Jenny Humphrey and Cindy Lou Who are the same person, I love it!


Saturday, December 20, 2008

So I'll stand with hands high and heart abandoned

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:11-13 NIV

I want that. I am going to strive for that.
I love my Savior. He is my all in all.


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I whisper all these secrets to a blank page.

0:10-0:14 and 0:55 are the times you can see me. Check it.
March 3, 2009.


Thursday, December 11, 2008

I am more than you know

Streetlights and open roads.
I am more than a face stuck living in one place.
So call me California, call me what you will.
Cause I am bigger than this place and so far from alone.
I don't believe in your hate, cause these stars are going to fade.
-Thriving Ivory

Anticipation: Over.
At least for the time being.
I am definitely looking forward to the rest of this ride.
Oh, the joy of roller coasters, especially Superman (see the previous blog if you are unsure as to what I'm talking about). Not seeing what is coming next, just experiencing pure bliss and happiness. You only have two choices, either to hate the ride and be afraid, or to enjoy every moment of it, no matter what loops and curves come next. Getting over fears, moving full speed ahead.


Those pictures on the walls

Anxiety is building. Kind of as if I am riding the Superman ride at Six Flags and I'm going up the first climb and I'm just staring down at the ground, freaking out that the ride is going to break and I'm going to crash down. It never seems to end, I continually ride slowly up the track.
Waiting, one of the worst things to experience in the world. Tick tock, every second passes by, each one slower than the last. So here I am, like I have been all day, refreshing email, checking my phone for phone calls, waiting for a response. Getting false hopes, being fooled by email that doesn't matter at this moment, phone calls from Tess while we laugh up a storm after I explained to her my situation. Oh, the joy it has brought my day, this anxiety. I think I'm holding up okay, just waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Testing my patience, building my patience.
I am just hoping that soon, I will be over this first drop and to know that the ride isn't going to break. That I will enjoy the ride and know that whatever happens, happens for a reason. That is the path I am going to take even though I am not yet able to see it. Life truly is like a roller coaster, a very interesting one.


Friday, December 5, 2008

Pack up, don't stray.

My nose is leaking. I find that term to be more appropriate than "running" because I barely even run, why would my nose?

There's not really too much to write about at the moment. I'm just kind of living life. Oh, but the new Britney Spears CD came out and I love it. Everyone seems to make fun of me or say "I guess we all have our guilty pleasures" as if it's wrong of me to like Britney Spears, but I do not feel that I am "guilty" for it. I am innocent and proud. haha, okay, anyway.

I wish I wasn't allergic to cats, or that I had allergy medicine. Then my nose wouldn't be leaking and my eyes wouldn't burn or swell up when I was around them. I think sometime this upcoming week I'm going to go get allergy medicine from my doctor so I can be A-OK. I heard Allegra (or whatever that allergy medicine is) works like a charm, so hopefully the doctor can prescribe me some of that.

"I will go Lord, send me." -Starfield
I am shouting that at the top of my lungs it seems. We'll see what God has planned in my life.

I want some paint and a few canvases, so I can well...paint pictures of the sort. I should add that to my Christmas list! Indeed I shall (:

I saw a couple of really great paintings this past Wednesday at Art Walk, they were beautiful. These people have talent. Some people, including myself at times, look at some of the art and say or think, "Oh, come on, I could do that." The thing is, even if we could make the same beautiful art as these people selling it, could we do it with the same passion and love? And even though we COULD do it possibly, we don't. We just sit around claiming we can do anything and everything yet never make an attempt to even do so. That's our problem with a lot of things it seems, I suppose some might call it "human nature," I think it's more of a "greed, pride, and egotistical" sort of thing. It's like in The Republic by Plato, we should do the task we are set to do and let others' do their tasks. I know that I often have trouble with correcting others whether it is in the way they stir the pot, the way they do a certain dance move, the way they solve a math problem, or the way they're living their life. It seems that I try to play the overseer when that's not what I am. I am a mere piece in the puzzle of life. I am working on this, though. I am also working on making my willpower even stronger. You can do it if you want to, too. All you have to do is say to yourself that you're going to do something, then actually do it. For example, if you say you're going to study before going out, then do that. If you say you're going to start saving money, then save money, and if you say you're going to wash your car as soon as you get home, do just that! It seems so easy, but for some people, like myself, it does get difficult at times. So I am going to strengthen my willpower! I am stoked. Meaning I need to go wash my car since I told myself I would do that today. haha.

Have a great day, all. Sorry this post is so random! (:


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

What's your name? Gary. Dairy? Gary.

"We call him Lactose."
"Yeah, my friends call me cow juice."
Oh, the conversations that happen at Raglands are the best.


Ever wanted to help make a change but didn't know how?
I have an answer for you. :)
Toms Shoes has set a goal to be able to give away 30,000 shoes to kids in Ethiopia in 30 days this holiday season. Now you may wonder, "Okay, so how does that allow me to help?" Simple answer, really. For every pair of shoes (or any of their items) that YOU purchase, Toms gives a pair of shoes to a child in need. Great cause. But now some of you may be wondering, "Why do they need shoes?" and/or "What if I don't want slip on shoes? Those just aren't my style." Well, I have answers for both of those concerns as well. First off, they need shoes for many reasons, one in particular is this foot disease called podioconosis. This is boils upon boils on their feet and legs, eventually making them diabled. After these people are disabled, often times they are looked down upon or pushed out of society since they can no longer walk or work. That isn't very good as some of you may have noticed. So a very easy way to prevent this is to wear shoes. Podioconosis is spread through the soil and the volcanic ash in the soil. Shoes really do help. And for those of you concerned about the shoes "cramping your personal style," Toms Shoes also has bags, tshirts, hoodies, and gift cards that you can send to others so that they can buy shoes or other Toms products. They have things for toddlers to grown men and women, the variety is nearly unbelievable. So at least go check it out, spread the word, and help in this awesome cause.


Friday, November 21, 2008

Anywhere you go, Anyone you meet.

I ain't givin up quite yet, I've got too much to lose.

Pulling strong, living life. Happily ever after.
Is that the life I'm longing for?
Indeed it is and it is the life I currently have.
I have a life that is full of joy although not free of stress or hardwork.
I keep busy, I stay happy, I look above, I hold tight.
Family, Friends, God, Toms, everything I need is there, is here, is all around me.
I am blessed, I am unique, I am carrying out my purpose.

This holiday season, Toms set a goal to be able to give 30,000 pairs of shoes to children in Ethiopia to prevent Podoconiosis. You can help! Just visit and make a purchase, whether it be for shoes, a bag, a hat, or a shirt, any purchase made results in a pair of shoes going to a child in need. Gift Toms this holiday season, you can give giftcards via their website as well. Spread the word, spread the love, spread the Toms.


Sunday, November 9, 2008

Our days might be slipping away

Emptiness exists, and yet at the same time, the feeling of a near full capacity exists.
Two complete opposites battling inside of me, can they both exist?
Philosophy would argue that to be impossible, could it be that I'm breaking the barriers of the possible, or is it that I'm just confused?
I just want to escape.
A miniature escapade, a ginormous adventure.

For the first time, I feel less alone.
And for the first time, I can call this home.
It's our last time to say goodnight, don't say goodbye.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

I'm just a girl with the ability.

I'm cold as fire baby, hot as ice.
Holler if you hear me, can I get a witness?

You live, you learn.
I am still in that process.
I always will be.
And clearly, you have just begun.
I hope that you learn a lot during this time.
Take it, treasure it, appreciate it.
Maturity will come, wisdom will come.
It is a beautiful process, don't let it go to waste.
Learn to appreciate everything and everyone.
Just because you think one thing, doesn't make it true;
Actually, it is probably far from the truth.
It is difficult at times to distinguish, but you will learn.
Ask questions, don't accuse, try not to judge, make room for error.
Life doesn't come as easily as you've had it.
Things don't just come as you ask, you work for them.
The real world will welcome you whenever you're ready.
Strap in and enjoy the ride. This is what we call reality.


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

You're speaking foreign language.

I am going to spend time thinking of 6 words to create a memoir of me as a challenge that Stephen Christian has introduced.

I didn't realize this was so much of a challenge, feel free to leave your 6 word memoir of yourself. I doubt anybody will or that anyone reads this, but if you do, if you're out there, it'd be nice to know. You can leave it as anonymous.

This should be interesting.
As for myself, I need to contemplate and discuss with myself what 6 words can create a memoir of me. Six words, it's amazing how so little can say so much.


We've got the dreamer's disease.

It has come to this.
I am not sure how to handle this.
No, this isn't some huge ordeal at all.
It is actually quite minuscule, but I have just now noticed it, or it has just happened, I am not exactly sure.
But....Well, I don't know.
I honestly am not sure how it has come to this, I am confused and yet blissful.
It is nice, but complicated. Captivating, that's a definite.
Oh boy, this will be interesting.
Extremely, extremely interesting....
Actually....hmm, well, ....hmmm.
Yeah, let's just leave it as....nothing.
Nothing at all....other than bliss, pure bliss.

loveloveawhhh [:

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Glamorous indie rock and roll

It's indie rock and roll for me.

Oh, I voted today.
I am part of history in the making.
Whoever wins, I was a part of it.
This is neat.


Monday, October 27, 2008

That was in the basement.

Quality, not quantity.

You really do learn who your true, good, honest friends are over time.
The best friends that you have ever had.
You can't just replace a best friend.
They had that title for a reason.
"When you say best friend it means friends forever."
If somebody is truly one of your best friends, it will be friends forever.
That person is going to be the one you can go to no matter what, no matter how long it's been since you have talked, none of that matters, that person will still be your friend when you need him/her.
That person will still be one of the best friends you have ever had.

Thank-you to the people who have reminded me of that lately.


Sunday, October 26, 2008

Death is just a memory.

My mind, my overanalyzing, my twisting things in my head.
I do not understand the way my mind works or why it works in the way it does.
I am not sure I always like it, it's so bizarre.
Interesting, perhaps too interesting?


Friday, October 24, 2008

Post Script

I am cleaning.
Take that as you please.


but you'll sail along if you don't hold the rope.

The truth is, I do not know you just as you do not know me.
Life is a mystery, as are we.
I do believe explorations are of the most fun;
Adventurous journeys we will all take throughout our lifetime.
Sometimes it will bring upon fright, other times pure bliss.
Never let your fear overcome you, you must always overcome your fear.
For if ever your fear overcomes you, you are then the puppet of your own fear.
Never let that happen, always be yourself, no matter who is watching.
Trust this if you trust nothing else, somebody is always watching.
Get away with it now, get away with it never.
Take a chance, break the norms, leave a legacy.
Welcome to the life of a space cadet.
Enjoy the ride.


I am living proof.

Boxes packed and I'm ready to go. Piled to the ceiling, memories are all tucked away, the times we shared slowly fade as I step out the door. What's ahead, I am not sure, the secret is held within the hands of time. I grasp onto the hands with a desperate attempt to pry them apart, I try to run the race against the clock. I take one stride forward as the clock is ticking ahead of me, no matter what, I cannot seem to keep up. I will not catch time as it paces in front of me. The loose grip I had on the hands of time slowly weakens until it rips away. I can never know what is to come, all I can know what is here and now, and even then, I still feel as if I don't know. Does this mean I can know nothing, ever? I am not sure what it means, but I still wonder, I try to figure out this dilemma so many people refer to as life. I look around in confusion as well as anguish, completely unaware as to what street to take next, do I run away, do I run back, or do I slowly curl up in a ball in hopes that I can do nothing and still amount to something? The world as I know it grows ever clear, I am starting to learn that I never understood a single thing as I once believed it to be. My world has been flipped upside down. So many times before my world was inching closer and closer to being dismantled, but I rushed to place it back on the ground, I finally let go, I finally was able to let all control be taken away from me. I don't need the controls any longer, the controls I stole from somebody else, they never really belonged to me. I stole and learned the consequences. My life is now in the control of somebody else, upside down? No, the realization is that this is actually right side up, I've been living under this rock of the world and now I can finally see the light of day. I am no longer just another pebble mixed in the gravel, I am finally something more. I have grown, I have separated myself to be able to grow with the help of my controller. I am doing what no pebble could ever do before, I am growing in strength and size. I will leave a mark larger than those mixed in that gravel path. I am unique. I have packed my boxes and I have thrown them over the cliff. All of those memories, all of that life, thrown away, forever gone, shattered into the oblivion of space. A new life, a new perspective, a new me. I will arise from the dust and I will float on.


Thursday, October 23, 2008

We stood like statues at the gate.

You can't deny feeling feelings because then you'll feel even worse.
-Life with Derek

I have realized that I have been doing just that for quite some time now. I ignore my feelings or push them off as if they do not exist so that I can stay cheerful. Yes, it is good to be happy, but eventually, everything bottles up and then I explode. Whether the explosion is towards others (which is rare) or if it is just within myself, this probably...or rather, obviously, isn't the best method for me. I am not sure that I know many other ways, so I am going to start not bottling everything up or ignoring things, I will live and learn. I am going to educate myself for a change because for so long, I have allowed others to teach me. I have taken the word of other's and not experienced so much of the world on my own. This goes for my thoughts and for my actions. I refuse to grow up to be who you are, I'm sorry. I am not only going to change the world, I am going to change the pattern of this family. I am exhausted from living in all of this, I can do it, though, I know I can.

P.S. Words have an effect, but actions speak louder than words.

...I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this.


This midwest town is gonna miss you.


The beauty of simplicity

Replacing old habits with new habits, but are they better habits?
Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't.
Replacing old mindsets with new mindsets, once again, are they better, or not?
Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't.

Life is full of surprises, at least from our point of view.

The beauty of simplicity, oh, how true of a statement.
Simplicity is where the beauty lies, the time that you can take and just relax and think about anything and everything. Simplicity while reading a book, playing guitar, spending time with family or friends, simplicity is key.

The beauty of the Lord can be seen all around us.
The beauty of the world is all around us.
However, do not be fooled by the beauty that the world has from the Lord with the "beauty" of being of the world. That beauty fades, the beauty that the Lord offers is eternal.

Eternally Beautiful, now that's a concept our generation should grasp onto.


I felt like there was something missing in my day to day life

Africa, I miss it so much.
I miss the continent, the people, the lifestyle, everything.
Rute, Mukatako, Duni, Osi, Mariamme, and the rest of the children in Maweni.
I miss the Limpopo River, I miss the wild animals, I miss sleeping in a tent, I miss seeing over 14 shooting stars in one night, I miss the closeness of the skies, I miss the air, I miss everything.
I love Africa. I love the village of Maweni. I love the food in Africa.
I miss Mozambique and South Africa so much. I want to go back very soon, I pray that God has me back, I feel that God will bring me back.
I am so thankful.
I am in love with God.
I am in love with Africa.
I am in love.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

This is the life

This is who I want to be.
I am who I am.
I am who I am for a reason.
I am who I am for a purpose.
I have a purpose.
Everything has a rhyme and reason.
I love God.
I love that our world, our generation is making a difference.
We are finally being the change we wish to see in the world.
I am so excited.
I pray that when I have children (in a while from now, of course), that they, too, are blessed with a passion to help others and to be the difference, to be the change they wish to see in the world.
I want to always be closer to God.
I am in the world, but not of the world.
I am here for you, I am here for people, I am here for the greater good, I am here to be the change, I am here.


Sunday, October 19, 2008

Newport Living

I spy everything I shouldn't.
I can spot the little specks of dirt that you're just brushing under the rug for somebody to stumble across later.
I am winning in this game of hide and seek. Your hiding spots are right in the open and yet you think of yourself as clever.
This song has only one ending, but you keep singing the wrong tune. Well-rehearsed? Maybe in your mind, but the people that are well-trained in this area can spot the flaws, noticing each and everytime you go off key. Start singing the correct melody to get this song back on the right track.
The train is coming full speed, you have to run faster and faster because you're going to get caught.
You might be able to dodge it for a little while, but in the end, you will not prevail.

Time is moving on and so am I.


Saturday, October 18, 2008

10 million people, each with their problems, why should anyone care?

I am not just a man vastly lost in this world, lost in a sea of faces. Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine because You traded Your life for mine.
Sometimes my life, it feels so trivial. Immersed in the greatness of space, yet somehow You still find the time for me, it's then You show me Your love.

I wonder if I made the right decision so many times, I also wonder how different things would be if I made the decision to take a different path, I wonder if things would be better or if things would be just as bad or even worse. But then I remember that whatever is the situation, wherever I am in my life, this is exactly where God has me, I made the decisions I made for a reason and I am taking the path less traveled and I am giving it all to God. That is what truly matters. I might stray off sometimes, but God is still going to guide me in the right direction. I am getting back onto the correct path and I feel that it is so close to me. I fall away from it on occasion, but I tend to always find my way back. Thank goodness He never lets go. I am a letdown, a disappointment, a human. I know this and I am okay with that. Forgive me or not for my mistakes, the fact of the matter is that God forgives me and so do I. I forgive myself and I sometimes feel that seeking forgiveness from myself and eventually forgiving myself can be harder than asking God for forgiveness. I am rarely judgmental towards other people, I think that's because I am constantly judging myself and tearing myself apart. I over analyze every situation and sometimes it's just entertaining while other times, it just brings me down. I guess that to get up and to grow stronger, you've got to first be knocked down, so maybe subconsciously I am just building myself up. Maybe I have yet to reach the most difficult point of my life, so at a young age I am making myself stronger in preparation for what's to come. I have an opportunity in January to move to California and then live on the road for a semester with Toms Shoes. I pray that everything works out and that I will be doing this. My parents are seeming supportive so far and I feel that this is where God wants me, so if this is truly the case, then everything will work out for His cause. I am so excited and so overwhelmed by this great love and joy and adventure. I love that at such a young age I am able to do so much and I know that it is because of God. I just need to continue living my life for Him. The world isn't worth it, the world is not worth my time, the people in the world may be, but not the things of this world. I am worth so much more than this world, I am going to live my life for God continually. I will be judged and I will be torn to pieces for this stand I am willing to make, but I would love so much to die in His name. Cassie Burnall is one of my role models and always will be. To die for God at such a young She had such bravery and was so sure of herself and God....she died for Him. I love God and I want to make an impact on people just as Cassie did and just as Zach Hunter is currently doing. Our generation can be the change, our generation should be the change. We must be the change we wish to see in the world. I'm in, are you?


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Is this coincidence or connection?

Day one of mine and Sarah's quest for a better relationship with God has begun. We started out in Colossians, the focus on 3:5-17. It is quite amazing how God worked that one out. It relates so closely to our lives at the moment, God works in the most amazing of all ways and I couldn't appreciate Him anymore for that. Not only did God amaze me in that way, but today, I have been so extremely busy and under so much stress, and yet I was not stressed out at all and I have been happier than I have been in the past week or so as well. It was amazing, I feel like I'm on the right track. I love my friends and I love my life, I have been blessed to such an extreme and I am so thankful for that. I have friends supporting me on this journey as well as a friend going on this journey with me, not just any friend, but a true best friend, which I haven't had in a while. Well, Josh, but he is a boy, Sarah is my first girl best friend in quite some time and I am very thankful for her friendship, it truly does mean a lot to me. Things in my life have finally started to fall into place. Happiness truly is inevitable. :)


Monday, October 13, 2008

you would kill for this, just a little bit, just a little bit, you would.

So last night was awful, today has been okay, but not great. Things are working out, though. I can tell. Whether it is the outcome I desire at the moment or not, it is the outcome that God has planned and that is truly what matters. I have once again realized in this situation that things are going to happen, I cannot control that. There is no reason for regrets, sure, I mess up, but so does everyone else. I am forgiven by God, if people don't forgive me, that's not too big of a deal, because people are going to do what they do and I cannot control other people, nor do I want to try, that seems like too big of a hassle for me to even attempt, I'll just leave other people to God. Overall, I am very happy. I know mistakes I have made and I have become more aware of things of the past that have slowly crept their way back in, and I am reminded to watch out and to make sure that those situations do not recur. Of course it will be difficult, but it wouldn't be life if it was a breeze. I am content with everything that has happened, finally. If I told you I wanted to talk to you regarding this situation, nevermind that. I am putting it in the past, I am moving forward with things, there is no reason I shouldn't. Sure, awkward moments will happen come later, but that's okay, if you know me well enough, you know that a day doesn't go by without me having an awkward moment. I tend to make situations awkward when they shouldn't be because I am just awkward in and of myself. I'm fine with that, though. Awkward is me, awkward is my life, awkward is my family and friends. Without awkward, I'm not sure how things would even continue on in my life. I love my life, therefore I must love awkward. And well...that's awkward. :)


Monday, September 29, 2008

way to be original.

By saying you're starting over new.
By saying that you're going to change for the better.
By saying that you're going to spend more time with God.
By saying that you're going to get things done that need to be done.
By saying that you're going to finish what you started.
By saying that you're you're going to love more and fight less.
By saying that you'll respect more people and honor your values.
By saying everything will be different.
.....and then having nothing at all on that list change.
not one thing, at least not for the better.

Yeah, I need to stick to it.
Not just say it and not do it. I need to get back to where I was in my life a little over a year ago. I'm still not some wild child, but I am not at all satisfied with where I am in life. I need to go to Him and Him alone for He is the only one that can truly save me from this mess. I'm trying to fix too much all at one time, when what I truly need to do is go to God, give it to Him, and let Him take care of it. I need to put full trust in the God that was able to part water, walk on water, and turn water into blood. This God is just as powerful now as He was as we read about in the Bible. There is no reason that if I give it all up to Him, that He won't take care of me. I know this, I just have to live it. I have to stop being selfish because I'm obviously not getting myself anywhere. I love God, I sure am awful at showing it sometimes. I don't give Him enough time out of my day. I know I should do more for Him, and yet I don't. I need to not doubt Him at all and I need to fully trust in Him. Life is so much better on the other side. The side of the light. I need to run into this marvelous light and never wander into darkness again.

I'm sorry, Lord.
I love you.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

boom chee.

I wonder...

It sure would be nice to just know and not have to wonder. But then again.....

Oh, anyway....
today has been swell. (:


Monday, September 22, 2008

do you think that some things are better left unsaid?

i'm not sure what i would title my blogs if it wasn't for lyrics, just throwing that out there.

So things are going okay. Life is "good" in many ways, but at the same time, I am not completely satisfied. I'm human, I should always be striving for more, especially in my relationship with Christ, and so I feel that it is just fine that i am not completely satisfied. I never should come to that point, I should always strive for more.

I feel like so many things are unreal. I also do not feel like my heart is into this post so this will probably end up being deleted in due time.

I need to fix some things in my life to make me happier. Including my current job situation, I love my job and the people there, but I can no longer make the drive 45 minutes out to go to work to get paid such a small amount. I need to find a closer job, a decent job. I need to ensure that my priorities are straight, they have been for the most part lately, I just need to keep it that way.

I feel like things are falling into place. I am happy for that. The pieces are starting to come together, or rather, the pieces of this puzzle are starting to show themselves, I have no idea how they come together at all. Just to get a glimpse of them has been interesting enough. I am slightly excited for what image they will create in my life at this time. I am very happy, I am near content, but far from complacent which is what I desire, to never be complacent.

Things are good.
I love life.
I love God for this life.
and I love my family.
I am blessed in so many unique ways, I am so excited to see what God has in store for my future.
I seriously am so in love with God.
He's so much more than amazing and He brings such a tremendous amount of joy to my life.


Friday, July 18, 2008

in this moment I belong.

this entry includes things I didn't include in the blog I posted not even 30 minutes ago.

Okay, so I was thinking, for I don't know what reason, about my future spouse earlier. (keep in mind this is just me thinking random thoughts, nothing spurred this and nobody other than myself caused these thoughts, none of this really matters in the grand scheme of things) I was wondering if I would prefer to have my future spouse (or my next "significant other") be somebody I currently know or have it be somebody I meet within the next however many years. It'd be interesting either way.

I was also thinking that I didn't fully explain why I titled my last blog what it is titled. It is from a thought I had earlier about how I have actually seen the stars in Africa, more specifically the night sky in Mozambique. In a single night I counted 14 shooting stars, then stopped counting, but I still continued to see them that night. In ONE night, 14!! How amazing is that? And to think, the Lord I love and worship created those. We can't see all of that from where we are. And the sad thing is, that I have seen this and most, if not all of you reading this blog, have seen this sky I speak of. Technically speaking, you kind of have, but I hope you understand what I am trying to say in this.

Also, sometimes I miss things and people. I reminisce (sp?.) I am one of those people that "what if..." quite often. I think that is one reason that I give unlimited number of chances to think that people will change for the better and treat me better than they have in the past, I don't want to think, "Well, what if I gave that person one more chance..." I don't want to have to think that, I will continue to give them chances until they finally give up, I will not give up on anyone, I never want to. I refuse to hold a grudge with anyone, it's silly and pointless. It would only waste my time to be angry at him/her, because (s)he would be living life just fine whether I was angry at him/her or not. That's the truth, too. Why worry when it only affects yourself? Putting yourself through that just makes no sense. I struggle with this concept sometimes, not in agreeing with it, but living it. I believe that after I get my life straight with God and He is continually number one, that I will no longer struggle with this along with other things my mind goes all around about.

And as usual, I really enjoy music. I enjoy all the ways God speaks to me, whether I want to hear it or not, He still speaks, it is my choice to listen and obey.

Honestly, I am just so in love with God. That is all that matters, but I fear that I let Him down too often, I know I let myself down too often.

Also, I love my dad. I don't know if he will ever read this, but I want everyone to know that I love him and he is my best friend here on Earth. There are certain people in this world that I never want to let down and he is one of those people, the other is Kaitlyn Hermening, my cousin. I cannot stand for my father to be upset with me, it breaks my heart, I love him too much to upset him or let him down. I haven't experienced Kaitlyn ever being angry with me, but I feel that if it does ever happen, that I will also be extremely bothered with myself for doing that. The rest of my family is important to me, don't get me wrong, but for some reason, these two people are my best friends and I love them.

Seriously, life is so amazing, I am so thankful for everything...yes, everything.

stars in Africa

What am I doing with my life? I'm living it, that's what...and that's where the problem lies. I shouldn't be living my life, I surrendered my life several years back, but apparently I surrendered that surrender. I gave up the good in my life to have bad, why? I have no idea. Do I want this? No, but I do it anyway. I need to stop, this isn't my life to live. This life is God's life. I want to live my life for Him, but I feel like lately, I've been trying to live my life for me for the time being and thinking, "Oh, I can live my life for God later, after I'm done doing my thing." But the point is, I could die while "doing my thing," no, not because I'm out doing crazy things, but I have no idea how long God has me living this life, honestly, for all I know, it could end tonight, right here, right now. No, I am not depressed, I am actually very happy, but at the same time, I'm upset with myself, I let myself down. I want to live my life for God, not for myself, not for anyone else. I find it extremely difficult and for some reason, I am in fear of what some people will say about me, I haven't had this problem in so long, well over a year, and all of a sudden, I am struck with it once again. I need to give that up, I need to not care about the world, no, not in that way. I find myself having to say that a lot so far to make sure you guys understand that I am not being emotional or depressed or psychotic, I'm just trying to say that my life is God's.
If you know me and have read previous blogs (or were a previous english teacher of mine), you know that I suck at staying on topic when I write. So I apologize now for any inconvenience although since I am warning you now, you can stop reading now to keep yourself from that discomfort.
Anyway, while driving home tonight, I was looking at the sky while at a stoplight and while being amazed at how much a full moon lights up the sky, I also was amazed at how much light pollution we have. I want to give it all up, the amentities (sp?) of living in America. I feel that God has called me to international missions for at least part of my life, I want to go away from this country and live in a place where electricity is rare and the only type of running water is in a nearby stream or river. I would leave this life in a heartbeat to go back to Maweni and live that life with them. I would much rather be surrounded by nothing and feel safer than living not even 3 minutes from a police station and feeling afraid for my life while walking out the front door.
I desire for this change in my life, yet I do nothing about it. All I do is be upset and wish. I need to stop being upset and I need to start doing something. I need to spend more time with God if that's what I desire, He put that desire in my heart for a reason, I need to strive for that. I love God so much, I need to keep Him number one in my life, not anyone else, not even myself deserves that spot, only Him. I am so confused with life and how everything works, I overanalyze too much and it's a good chance that I have more thoughts running through my head in one single moment than all of you reading this combined.
I don't want to be one of those people that just want the world to be different or that wants things to be a certain way, I am going to be one of those few people that actually do something about it. I want to leave a legacy, I don't want to pass and be forgotten, I want to make an impact, create a lasting impression, not necessarily in my name, but in God's. I want to be part of a revolution.

What do I want to do with my life? Who cares? That isn't important at all unless it's me saying that I want to live it for God and do WHATEVER it is that He calls me to. What's important is that I want to live my life for something more.

My God cannot be contained, I'm sorry.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

something to do.

So I've been home for a little over an hour now and I have just been doing a lot of thinking. I'm getting my associates in December, then it's off to some university that I don't care to go to for a major that I can do practically nothing with. I have no idea what university I will end up going to, probably something stereotypical such as UF or FSU although I would much rather go to Union University in Tennessee. I really have no favor in location other than out of Florida. I don't hate Florida for any particular reason, I just could do without the constant humidity and lack of an actual winter. I would like to move further north and do who knows what living who knows where. I can't decide whether I'd want to live in a cabin in the mountains or an artists loft in some major city where fashion is all the rage. I feel that I could live either of those lives just fine, they are just completely different because with each of those locations, comes along a different future. I could pursue acting and become rich and live in the city life being able to be fashionable and be able to see whatever band I pleased whenever, wherever. or I could go with the mountain life and live without the new technology. A computer to type and record my thoughts in, a journal, a library. That'd be all I need. Good books and a way to write good books, or at least a way to record my life. Movies would be nice, I can just picture myself sitting in my cabin-esque living room with the fire glowing, a cup of hot chocolate, a few graham crackers even, and indulging in a nice film.I can see myself in different places....I do feel that no matter what happens, I would love to travel the world, the world including the country I live in. I have a great passion to travel everywhere, and this isn't just me saying: I'm going to travel the world. This is me saying it and I really will do it. I feel that for being only 19 yaers old, I'm doing pretty well having traveled to approximately half of the states, including Hawaii, and having been to Ireland, Wales, South Africa, Mozambique, South Korea, Mexico, Canada, and a short stop in Japan have helped me on this journey, but I will continue this venture, you can count on that.I have so many thoughts running around my mind and I have many opinions.I had more I wanted to say, but I feel that this is enough for now.
I'm bored and want to do something. Sitting at home just won't do it for me, not today.

Monday, June 9, 2008

i got a plan. --struggles.

lyricssss. ahh! music is good. :) okay, anyway!

today was good, interesting, but good. tomorrow will be good. i have to pick up prescriptions for medicine i need to bring to Africa (i leave FRIDAYYY!!) thursday i'll be packing all day and I have an Africa meeting at night, then early to bed for me. I have to be at church before 6am on Friday morning for the drive down to O-town to leave for Africa.

I just got home from shopping with my mom for more necessities. I have to start packing soon, too. and finishing up laundry, and sewing my dresses since right now i just have a bunch of fabric. Wow, I'm going to Africa, God is going work SO much, I am way more than excited. Especially for teaching my lesson, God Alone. it will be a challenge though, so I have to give it all to Him and trust that He will speak through me so that these people will understand correctly and I don't confuse them since it is a complicated topic that honestly...i don't even fully understand. But of course I don't, it's God...nobody fully understands God, nobody ever will. That's one of the things that is just so amazing about Him. and His love, wow...the love of Christ, the greatest love ever.

I'm thankful for my friends that I have. I don't have many 'close' friends and i have no 'best' friends, but the friends i have are all pretty amazing and nice. I am blessed. and who knows, maybe one day some of my friends will be 'close' and will be my 'best' friends, that'll be nice. I'm loving life, I am thankful each and everyday. and even though i still suffer sometimes and mess up and am hurt, I know that God is there for me and He sees the big picture and I need to just fully trust in Him and then everything will work out for His glory.


p.s. please keep me in your prayers, i'm struggling in life at the moment :(


Kevin Bales just commented on my last post. Do you realize that he is one of my role models? It's amazing how God works, it's kind of like God was saying to me in a completely real way "Your dreams are more than just dreams, they can be a reality, you can do it." Wow, Kevin Bales...and he mentioned in the comment, If you were in my speech class, you know that I did a whole speech on that and Zach Hunter. Wow, how awesome!! One of my major role models just commented on my blog, how on earth does that happen? Seriously, God works in the most amazing of ways. This week is going to be awesome, I can feel it. I am so excited to see the ways that God will work throughout this week and throughout my time in Africa. Every little thing matters, God works through everything. I know that the lesson I'll be teaching is also so that I can learn more about it as well, the teacher must also be a student like a leader must also be a follower.

Wow, so Nikki just IMed me reminding me about how I need to keep my focus on God and that she's happy that I'm doing that and want to and realize that I slipped away. here, i'll just copy and paste part of what she said to me, it's awesome and touched my heart, once again, God is speaking to me so clearly through these people. So this is what she said, "i know that if you just take some time you can get it all right becuase you are a strong person you are one of the main reasons why i wanted a better relationship with God and strived for a better relationship with and for Him. You have such a drive that makes people want to jump on the band wagon and i want to have that also so you need to get things back right with God because you bring so many people to Him without even realizing it" Things like this are even more of a reason that I want to be completely in love with Christ again. I can't believe that I ever strayed. I know how awesome life can be with God leading it, I don't understand why or how I fell so far away for so long, but at least I'm finally getting back in love with God. I am remembering the love that God has, it's the best love ever. It really does leave me speechless....which i know, i've written a lot for having this post titled "Speechless," but being speechless completely, that's rare...i always have so much on my mind, a ridiculous amount of thoughts, but I love it. :)

I am so happy. I forgot that I could be this happy. Please continue to pray for the Africa missions trip. For us going and even more for those people who we are going to. This is going to be so amazing, God is working so much, just give it all to Him, you'll know that God is there, there is no way you can doubt His awesome power when you just give it all to Him.


Saturday, June 7, 2008

it's a matter of trust.

so i think that i've had lyrics for the titles / headings of my past few blogs, but that's alright...i think anything you say is a lyric nowadays anyway...

alright, so update...

i've been spending a lot more time in the Word than i have been the past several months. I'm re-reading the new testament, not necessarily in order, just in whatever order I feel placed upon my heart. and I'm loving it. I love how each time you read the Bible, there is something else that jumps out at you, something that applies to your life here and now. It is just so awesome. I love God, pretty much, yeah. I leave in less than a week to go to Africa, I'm pretty excited about that, too. I am so excited to see God work in their lives as well as ours. I am seriously so stoked to come back and see this world in a whole new way, I want my heart to forever love like Christs', I want my love to shine and I want everyone to see something different in me. I love that even though I wandered on my own path for a while, that God was still here waiting for me. I want to be that way for friends in my lifetime, no matter what happens, no matter how long it is before we talk again, I want to always be there for them no matter what the situation. I want them to see God's love in me. Not only do I want my friends and family to see that, but also strangers. I want to be a girl they see and think: Wow, there is just something different about her. I want to help those in need. I still have a passion for that, to help people, and I thank God for that gift, I am so thankful and so honored that I have such an awesome gift. I want to help end so much wrong in this world. I have high hopes and big dreams and I refuse to limit them because with God, anything is possible. I can help in the abolishment of slavery, there are currently over 27 million slaves worldwide, that is more than ever recorded in history. I want to put a stop to discrimination, I want abuse to end. Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me. To start all of this, though, I must be the change I want to see in this world. I need to not judge others, not condemn, all I can do is love, for love is the greatest gift of them all. I want to love everyone, with no favoritism, as our Lord and Savior does. I have so much I want to do in life, I will do everything I can with God. That can start with obeying my parents and cleaning my room...finally.... :)

later <3

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I see the light.

Yeah, I'm getting closer. I am still struggling, and I am nowhere near close, but the good news is that I am trying. I'll make it. Please keep me in your prayers as well as everyone else who is struggling to keep God number one. I love everyone, I need to drop all grudges, and I will. I am going to try to start today, but of course, it will be hard. Pray for that too, please. Thanks <3

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

away, away, away from here i'll be

i am far gone.

i wish i was back. it's a long, hard journey, only because of my own self. My own procrastination, my own lack of self-discipline. I will get through this, I can get through this. God is reaching for me, I just need to grab hold and never let go.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

oh, AND here's some lyrics i like

this is from a Casting Crowns song entitled "What This World Needs"

People aren't confused by the gospel, they're confused by us. Jesus is the only way to God, but we are not the only way to Jesus. This world doesn't need my tie, my hoodie, my denomination, or my translation of the Bible, they just need Jesus. We can be passionate about what we believe, but we can't strap ourselves to the gospel cause we're slowing it down. Jesus is going to save the world, but maybe the best thing we can do is just get out of the way.

okay, now go read my next blog because i just posted that one, too :)

we're slowing it down.

I click on my link to see my blog and my latest blog talks about happiness being inevitable. Oh, how i wish that I could still have that mindset. I wish that I was still constantly happy. I'm not sure what happened to me to have myself go so far off the track of happiness, but I'm long gone and I cannot wait for my return. I am still very happy about my best friend and only friend, jessica rouse, God has blessed me with her and I am happy that she is an honest and loyal friend and I really do love her with all of my heart. I also love my family, but we do go through many difficult times. Too many difficult times in my eyes, it hurts my heart completely, i think it breaks a little every time we argue. It is just honestly so hard for me to handle. Then me and seamus are good and he is a friend, too, so i guess jessica isn't my only friend, but she is my best friend along with seamus. But since me and Seamus are dating, there are destined to be arguments. Sometimes they're my fault, sometimes they're his. But i don't know, I just feel like he always tries to place the blame on me and I feel that sometimes he lies to me, I know he has in the past or hid stuff from me, and I really do want to get over all of that, but it is difficult when all throughout my life it seems that I have been let down and pushed to the side and walked all over by everyone. And then one person that used to be somewhat of a friend decided that I am a total and complete liar because I told her I wasn't on her computer. Honestly, isn't that just a ridiculous thing to lie about? Why on earth would I lie about getting on her computer, especially since I was with her all day and had my own computer with me. Some things and people I just don't understand. We both said hurtful things and I don't understand how she can tell me that I am psycho, a horrible person, and that she is so much of a better christian than i am. I thought that we shouldn't judge people as christians, i know that we all mess up, but i think that it's an oxymoron to be a christian and then condemn others. I'm not saying that you can't be a christian and condemn others, no way am i saying that, you can be a christian and kill somebody honestly. People mess up, people fall off of the track, people say things they don't mean, it doesn't mean that they cannot be a christian. I am not sure everything that is going on in my life. I just know that I need to run straight to God and stop being distracted by everything that Satan and the world throws at me. I also need to stop getting worn out and keep on truckin. slow and steady wins the race, so maybe i should just slow down a bit in life, go slowly and not just say that i realize it takes time, but actually live the idea that it takes time. I really wish that things would go better for me like they were not too long ago. Life is difficult, but as I know and have said, happiness is inevitable, so i'm just waiting for my happiness to come back and overwhelm my life again. :)