What am I doing with my life? I'm living it, that's what...and that's where the problem lies. I shouldn't be living my life, I surrendered my life several years back, but apparently I surrendered that surrender. I gave up the good in my life to have bad, why? I have no idea. Do I want this? No, but I do it anyway. I need to stop, this isn't my life to live. This life is God's life. I want to live my life for Him, but I feel like lately, I've been trying to live my life for me for the time being and thinking, "Oh, I can live my life for God later, after I'm done doing my thing." But the point is, I could die while "doing my thing," no, not because I'm out doing crazy things, but I have no idea how long God has me living this life, honestly, for all I know, it could end tonight, right here, right now. No, I am not depressed, I am actually very happy, but at the same time, I'm upset with myself, I let myself down. I want to live my life for God, not for myself, not for anyone else. I find it extremely difficult and for some reason, I am in fear of what some people will say about me, I haven't had this problem in so long, well over a year, and all of a sudden, I am struck with it once again. I need to give that up, I need to not care about the world, no, not in that way. I find myself having to say that a lot so far to make sure you guys understand that I am not being emotional or depressed or psychotic, I'm just trying to say that my life is God's.
If you know me and have read previous blogs (or were a previous english teacher of mine), you know that I suck at staying on topic when I write. So I apologize now for any inconvenience although since I am warning you now, you can stop reading now to keep yourself from that discomfort.
Anyway, while driving home tonight, I was looking at the sky while at a stoplight and while being amazed at how much a full moon lights up the sky, I also was amazed at how much light pollution we have. I want to give it all up, the amentities (sp?) of living in America. I feel that God has called me to international missions for at least part of my life, I want to go away from this country and live in a place where electricity is rare and the only type of running water is in a nearby stream or river. I would leave this life in a heartbeat to go back to Maweni and live that life with them. I would much rather be surrounded by nothing and feel safer than living not even 3 minutes from a police station and feeling afraid for my life while walking out the front door.
I desire for this change in my life, yet I do nothing about it. All I do is be upset and wish. I need to stop being upset and I need to start doing something. I need to spend more time with God if that's what I desire, He put that desire in my heart for a reason, I need to strive for that. I love God so much, I need to keep Him number one in my life, not anyone else, not even myself deserves that spot, only Him. I am so confused with life and how everything works, I overanalyze too much and it's a good chance that I have more thoughts running through my head in one single moment than all of you reading this combined.
I don't want to be one of those people that just want the world to be different or that wants things to be a certain way, I am going to be one of those few people that actually do something about it. I want to leave a legacy, I don't want to pass and be forgotten, I want to make an impact, create a lasting impression, not necessarily in my name, but in God's. I want to be part of a revolution.
What do I want to do with my life? Who cares? That isn't important at all unless it's me saying that I want to live it for God and do WHATEVER it is that He calls me to. What's important is that I want to live my life for something more.
My God cannot be contained, I'm sorry.
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