Sunday, January 25, 2009

But I was too scared to.

Here are a few postsecret postcards that really caught my eye this week.
And when I say "caught my eye," I mean that I felt I could relate to them a decent amount, at least on some level.

I never seem to want anyone to know everything about me. I don't know if I do it on purpose or not, I just know people are constantly telling me throughout my years that they don't "get me" and that they have honestly never met a single person like me. I am a mystery, I am complex, I am deep. I'm sorry that I don't let you in.

Okay, so the x-ray part is pretty creepy to be honest, but I agree with wanting to escape. I also want to get away. I am fine with where I am now because I am in California, away from the life I've been living, not that is was "bad," but I was far from happy there. I am going to continue to live a life that is more like me, that is more my desire, more of my calling. I am going to escape from the day to day life I am used to back at home, I am going to move on. It is scary, but I can do it.

Here it is. This person knows that so many people are waiting on a sign for it to be okay for them to leave, to move on. I wasn't exactly waiting for any sign, I already received mine, but I know what this is like. It's just reassuring and it brings me joy to see that somebody sent in this postcard. It makes me think about wanting to leave and being wary about it, but then being reassured that I can do it. There is no better time than the present. Here and now, baby. Make it happen.


I stand here unashamed

Just clearing it up, I'm not some ridiculously depressed person or anything, I'm actually far from. I was just re-reading and thinking about my most previous post and realizing that it sounds negative and as if I am depressed, but trust me, I am not. I thought about deleting it, but I didn't find it right since it is true. I can state the truth about things of the sort and not be depressed by it, I consider it a gift, others call it lying. Take it as you will. I just wanted to clear the air in case there was any misunderstanding. I am blessed beyond belief and am so excited to see what I will accomplish throughout my life. I am doing big things. I am 19 years young and I have already done so much from driving a 15 passenger van to putting shoes on children's feet that live in developing countries and letting them know that someone, somwhere out there knows about them and cares about them. I have also played with the children of Maweni in Mozambique and made a lifelong connection with a young girl named Rute. I have been to Ireland and marched and did colorguard in two St Patrick's Day Parades. I have done so much in my life, these are just a FEW of the many extremely amazing things I have been able to take part of. I know that I will do many more great things in my lifetime, I believe I can do so much to change the world. I am called to be part of the change, I am going to aid in changing the world, you'll see. I will make a difference. I will never allow anybody to limit what I can do. I might not have the voice to speak up when I am angry or feel oppressed, however, I do have a strong enough voice to change the world. I am everything and more. I am stronger than you know, I am stronger than I know. Life is good, just sometimes, it gets difficult, but without those times, I cannot grow stronger, I cannot gain wisdom, and I cannot learn. So those hard times only make me that much better and only make my life that much more blessed. I love you all, pinky promise.


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

She's gonna break soon.

So lately I've been thinking about my personality.
Am I shy because I am uncomfortable being around people?
Or am I shy because I feel that anything I say and/or do is irrelevant and therefore invaluable?
I'm thinking it's more of the second one. I just feel that anything I say or do is unimportant. Anytime I have anything to say, I tend to be shut out, spoken over, or disregarded. Basically, I don't speak because I feel as if nobody cares as to what I have to say. I've felt this way for quite some time now and am just getting a better grip to put this all together. It makes a lot of sense and I don't argue one bit that this is the reason that I am anti-social and shy. I also have a problem with trusting people, I just lack trust in human nature. I find great difficulty in trusting anyone whenever they speak to me, especially things regarding friendship or love. I have found that I lack respect and faith in people, at least in our society. It's actually quite a bit disappointing and it stinks that I feel this way. I am going to try to work on this and to improve, however, I am struggling. It is like a bad habit that I need to quit. It's kind of sad how quickly bad habits can form, and yet they take so long to break.

I am going to work on this, I need to be better.
I need to regain faith in people. I need to be able to trust the people that I want to love so dearly, it's just so difficult. I've built up such a sturdy wall, now I need to tear the whole thing down. I'm sure I can do it, it will just take a lot of time, I have faith in myself...kind of...


Sunday, January 18, 2009

Like a runaway

I am more than you know.

I am finally in a way, free, and it feels that at the same time, I am far from that. This life is something I greatly love, this is the life I will one day live. I wish it could be from this time on, but I know this is greatly impossible, at least ridiculously highly unlikely. And wow, that was a lot of -ly's all in a row.

I spend these nights counting stars like a runaway and maybe I could call this home tonight. I whisper all these secrets to a blank page. So call me California, call me what you will cause I am bigger than this place and so far from alone.

I now know that I am capable of what I never thought was possible at this point in my life. Sure, some things I still need major support on, but the general concept is something I can do. I have too little faith in myself. I do not believe I can do very much, and yet I set such high expectations of myself. I think I am learning more about myself now than I have in a while and definitely learning things about myself that I couldn't have learned back at home. You might think I'm ignorant, immature, or just plain idiotic, but you know what, that's okay. Things are changing, times are changing, I am changing. This has been a process that has been going on, I feel that I have just been trapped in a place and life that wasn't truly me. I wasn't myself, I wasn't comfortable, I wasn't as happy as I could be. I finally am happier, I am doing better than I was before. Some people say that you can't just pick up and leave and be happy, but I am going to say that you can. It is possible. I didn't have much going for me back in Florida, not at all. At least not in Jacksonville, I knew it in my heart, I definitely knew it. It hurt me that I had to stay there, I didn't have a choice, I still don't have a choice but to go back and finish school there, but living this life now has given me motivation to finish school quickly and to do well so that I can move out of that state to somewhere else. Give me hope if I haven't lost this feeling. You are so far gone, I'm not pretending that you're all I want, just keep it steady.

I found a reason, wipe your eyes.

I am officially 100 percent over Florida. I was over it before, but I have never been so sure until now. Hopefully over the next few months I will learn even more about myself and the country in which I live so I can successfully move to somewhere I truly love whenever I finish school in another 2 years.

To sleep with only memories is harder every night.
Trust me, things are still difficult missing my family and very few "friends," but I know this is better for me. I need to be more independent, I am way too dependent upon others. Especially on my family and on the two friends I'm actually still in contact with. I can even tell and feel that I am drifting away from one of them already. So my family and Nick are all that I have from back home. I'm glad that I wasn't close to many people because otherwise, this might be difficult, I might be homesick, thankfully I'm not. I am glad that I only had my family. My family was there for me all of the time, even though sometimes I struggled getting along or being happy there, I knew they were going to be there for me in the long haul, they'd always love me, well, most of the time. I am still scared of some things, but my family is my number one, I do miss them a ton, do not get me wrong, but I have got to grow up sometime, why not now? Why not when I am still weary on life and where I stand? I needed a push, I needed motivation, I received it, and here I am, standing on my own two feet with my family only as a post to lean on instead of being a tripod underneath me. I have to admit that I was extremely worried, but I am making it okay. I am doing well. As for friends, I didn't really have any. People may find that offensive, but it is true. I suppose I only really had one friend at the time of me moving and that was Nick Campbell who has texted and/or called me everyday even if I haven't been able to respond back to him because of my busy days. I'm glad to know that I did make at least one decent friend, no offense to anyone else, but really, who was truly a friend to me? Because I cannot think of another one other than Nick and I'm sorry if that hurts you, but it's the truth. I just didn't have any other friends.

Living in a house with 13 others is nice, I have somebody there almost all of the time. People of different dynamics and people I can relate to, people who are caring and loving, people who have experienced so much at all of our young ages. It is just really comforting and nice. I love these people so much already, I am glad that I am getting this experience. They are helping me adjust really well to this new life, I am extremely thankful for all of them.

I'm not sure if I have much else to say, this post is already ridiculously long.
I just had a lot on my mind. A lot. And I'm sure there is more, but I just feel like relaxing and not thinking so much. Maybe I'll go read a book or something, not really sure, I just have to do something. Have a great day, all.


Friday, January 16, 2009

No one's given up quite yet

I'm at a loss for words, so lost in love.
Lost, found, I'm here, but I still see nothing.
I want to know the mystery.
No greater love could be bestowed.
This love is the one true love.
Never do I desire for this love to ever be overpowered or replaced.
I have a greater purpose on this Earth than I could ever imagine.
Things are going to be greater than I could possibly even long for.
This life, it is going to result in so much more than I could ever want.
God knows what I need, I know that I need God.
Together, my life will go on in great success.
However, apart, things will not go so well.
I know this and I am capable of keeping this from happening, I do believe I can do this, I know I can, God knows I can, so why let myself and God down? There's no point.
Life is so much more than this. Life is God. God is life. God is love. Love is God.
In my mind, these things can only co-exist, never could one exist without the other.


Saturday, January 10, 2009

Love will come set me free.

Days pass by and as they go, the clock is ticking. The constant of time is one of the few constants in the world, unfortunately to some people it is the only constant. The constant that I can never forget is the love of Christ. That is truly neverending, it is everlasting. He has done way too much in my life for me to not believe. God may not be a concept I can explain very well to many people, all I can do is tell people what He has done for me and show people the love of Christ. People need to recognize that something is different in me, therefore I must ensure that I am trying my hardest to shine that light, to love the least of these, to love the ones that so many deny. Love is my gift. Compassion. Kindness. The ability has been given to me to change the world, there is absolutely no way I will allow that to go to waste. I cannot deny this gift, I have accepted it with great honor. I am blessed more than I could ever explain. Everything in life happens for a reason, I am sure. The reasons may be unclear at first, but things will finally clear up, it might not be in any time you're wishing for, but it is the time God has set. Take everything as a blessing.

I'm living in California. There is no way that I could be here without God. I am working for Toms Shoes as a vagabond and impacting the world. I am helping to be the change. Keep your coins, I want change. Life will go on, life will be amazing. So far, it has been nothing but amazing. Sure, there have been some foggy times that I couldn't see the positive, but further down the road, I saw the good in it, and thankfully I have gotten to the point that I can usually stay positive about some of the worst situations. Blessed. Love. God loves me. God loves you. I love you.