Friday, July 18, 2008

in this moment I belong.

this entry includes things I didn't include in the blog I posted not even 30 minutes ago.

Okay, so I was thinking, for I don't know what reason, about my future spouse earlier. (keep in mind this is just me thinking random thoughts, nothing spurred this and nobody other than myself caused these thoughts, none of this really matters in the grand scheme of things) I was wondering if I would prefer to have my future spouse (or my next "significant other") be somebody I currently know or have it be somebody I meet within the next however many years. It'd be interesting either way.

I was also thinking that I didn't fully explain why I titled my last blog what it is titled. It is from a thought I had earlier about how I have actually seen the stars in Africa, more specifically the night sky in Mozambique. In a single night I counted 14 shooting stars, then stopped counting, but I still continued to see them that night. In ONE night, 14!! How amazing is that? And to think, the Lord I love and worship created those. We can't see all of that from where we are. And the sad thing is, that I have seen this and most, if not all of you reading this blog, have seen this sky I speak of. Technically speaking, you kind of have, but I hope you understand what I am trying to say in this.

Also, sometimes I miss things and people. I reminisce (sp?.) I am one of those people that "what if..." quite often. I think that is one reason that I give unlimited number of chances to think that people will change for the better and treat me better than they have in the past, I don't want to think, "Well, what if I gave that person one more chance..." I don't want to have to think that, I will continue to give them chances until they finally give up, I will not give up on anyone, I never want to. I refuse to hold a grudge with anyone, it's silly and pointless. It would only waste my time to be angry at him/her, because (s)he would be living life just fine whether I was angry at him/her or not. That's the truth, too. Why worry when it only affects yourself? Putting yourself through that just makes no sense. I struggle with this concept sometimes, not in agreeing with it, but living it. I believe that after I get my life straight with God and He is continually number one, that I will no longer struggle with this along with other things my mind goes all around about.

And as usual, I really enjoy music. I enjoy all the ways God speaks to me, whether I want to hear it or not, He still speaks, it is my choice to listen and obey.

Honestly, I am just so in love with God. That is all that matters, but I fear that I let Him down too often, I know I let myself down too often.

Also, I love my dad. I don't know if he will ever read this, but I want everyone to know that I love him and he is my best friend here on Earth. There are certain people in this world that I never want to let down and he is one of those people, the other is Kaitlyn Hermening, my cousin. I cannot stand for my father to be upset with me, it breaks my heart, I love him too much to upset him or let him down. I haven't experienced Kaitlyn ever being angry with me, but I feel that if it does ever happen, that I will also be extremely bothered with myself for doing that. The rest of my family is important to me, don't get me wrong, but for some reason, these two people are my best friends and I love them.

Seriously, life is so amazing, I am so thankful for everything...yes, everything.

stars in Africa

What am I doing with my life? I'm living it, that's what...and that's where the problem lies. I shouldn't be living my life, I surrendered my life several years back, but apparently I surrendered that surrender. I gave up the good in my life to have bad, why? I have no idea. Do I want this? No, but I do it anyway. I need to stop, this isn't my life to live. This life is God's life. I want to live my life for Him, but I feel like lately, I've been trying to live my life for me for the time being and thinking, "Oh, I can live my life for God later, after I'm done doing my thing." But the point is, I could die while "doing my thing," no, not because I'm out doing crazy things, but I have no idea how long God has me living this life, honestly, for all I know, it could end tonight, right here, right now. No, I am not depressed, I am actually very happy, but at the same time, I'm upset with myself, I let myself down. I want to live my life for God, not for myself, not for anyone else. I find it extremely difficult and for some reason, I am in fear of what some people will say about me, I haven't had this problem in so long, well over a year, and all of a sudden, I am struck with it once again. I need to give that up, I need to not care about the world, no, not in that way. I find myself having to say that a lot so far to make sure you guys understand that I am not being emotional or depressed or psychotic, I'm just trying to say that my life is God's.
If you know me and have read previous blogs (or were a previous english teacher of mine), you know that I suck at staying on topic when I write. So I apologize now for any inconvenience although since I am warning you now, you can stop reading now to keep yourself from that discomfort.
Anyway, while driving home tonight, I was looking at the sky while at a stoplight and while being amazed at how much a full moon lights up the sky, I also was amazed at how much light pollution we have. I want to give it all up, the amentities (sp?) of living in America. I feel that God has called me to international missions for at least part of my life, I want to go away from this country and live in a place where electricity is rare and the only type of running water is in a nearby stream or river. I would leave this life in a heartbeat to go back to Maweni and live that life with them. I would much rather be surrounded by nothing and feel safer than living not even 3 minutes from a police station and feeling afraid for my life while walking out the front door.
I desire for this change in my life, yet I do nothing about it. All I do is be upset and wish. I need to stop being upset and I need to start doing something. I need to spend more time with God if that's what I desire, He put that desire in my heart for a reason, I need to strive for that. I love God so much, I need to keep Him number one in my life, not anyone else, not even myself deserves that spot, only Him. I am so confused with life and how everything works, I overanalyze too much and it's a good chance that I have more thoughts running through my head in one single moment than all of you reading this combined.
I don't want to be one of those people that just want the world to be different or that wants things to be a certain way, I am going to be one of those few people that actually do something about it. I want to leave a legacy, I don't want to pass and be forgotten, I want to make an impact, create a lasting impression, not necessarily in my name, but in God's. I want to be part of a revolution.

What do I want to do with my life? Who cares? That isn't important at all unless it's me saying that I want to live it for God and do WHATEVER it is that He calls me to. What's important is that I want to live my life for something more.

My God cannot be contained, I'm sorry.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

something to do.

So I've been home for a little over an hour now and I have just been doing a lot of thinking. I'm getting my associates in December, then it's off to some university that I don't care to go to for a major that I can do practically nothing with. I have no idea what university I will end up going to, probably something stereotypical such as UF or FSU although I would much rather go to Union University in Tennessee. I really have no favor in location other than out of Florida. I don't hate Florida for any particular reason, I just could do without the constant humidity and lack of an actual winter. I would like to move further north and do who knows what living who knows where. I can't decide whether I'd want to live in a cabin in the mountains or an artists loft in some major city where fashion is all the rage. I feel that I could live either of those lives just fine, they are just completely different because with each of those locations, comes along a different future. I could pursue acting and become rich and live in the city life being able to be fashionable and be able to see whatever band I pleased whenever, wherever. or I could go with the mountain life and live without the new technology. A computer to type and record my thoughts in, a journal, a library. That'd be all I need. Good books and a way to write good books, or at least a way to record my life. Movies would be nice, I can just picture myself sitting in my cabin-esque living room with the fire glowing, a cup of hot chocolate, a few graham crackers even, and indulging in a nice film.I can see myself in different places....I do feel that no matter what happens, I would love to travel the world, the world including the country I live in. I have a great passion to travel everywhere, and this isn't just me saying: I'm going to travel the world. This is me saying it and I really will do it. I feel that for being only 19 yaers old, I'm doing pretty well having traveled to approximately half of the states, including Hawaii, and having been to Ireland, Wales, South Africa, Mozambique, South Korea, Mexico, Canada, and a short stop in Japan have helped me on this journey, but I will continue this venture, you can count on that.I have so many thoughts running around my mind and I have many opinions.I had more I wanted to say, but I feel that this is enough for now.
I'm bored and want to do something. Sitting at home just won't do it for me, not today.