Monday, December 7, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Excuse me while I let your secrets out
Does it comfort you to think about how wonderful this was up until now?
So I guess I'll just get going, I've got better topics now
And I'm off to find some blank pages to write all of them down
Because these ones have been dirtied with the mentioning of you
You're the talk of the town now
And everybody's found it out
So I guess I'll cut my losses cause I lost a lot
I guess I'll quit complaining and I'll starting walking it off
Because there is no point in living in a past with that unhappiness
Consider it a promise we both broke
Consider it mistakes on both our parts
Cause this is closure once and for all
Oh, this has to stop right now
Cause I've been running for my life
And you could never catch me now
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I made it faster and stronger than I thought I could ever do.
I've swam through the rip tide, through the storm, through the sharks, through all of the danger and have now made it to safety. Life does go on and better than ever.
Just as the book of James talks about, you go through trials for a reason, to persevere and come out a stronger, better person. All you can do is be positive, be happy and realize that no matter what happens, life goes on.
Happiness is inevitable.
I am happy. I am more than content.
Things are so good and they'll continue to be that way.
I love God, I love you, and I love life.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Ain't that the truth? :)
Positive attitude, caring about the right things, loving everyone and everything.
Everything will work out in the end.
Everything is working out.
It's all perspective.
And from my view, happiness truly is inevitable.
It's all about love.
Happiness is key. Love wins. Words have an effect, but actions speak louder than words.
And I want my actions to be shouting sheer joy :)
Monday, September 7, 2009
And it is definitely unnecessary pride.
Pride that makes no sense.
I care too much about things that don't matter enough to worry about.
I strive to live up to ridiculous expectations, but in reality, that's not me.
It's a struggle. I am not perfect and I need to stop trying to be.
I also need to stop trying to impress you.
It's annoying, not impressive.
I over analyze way more than ever needed.
I stress out and worry about things that mean practically nothing.
I don't really understand why.
All I know is that I dislike it and I have decided to break this wall down.
I am going back to who I was.
Carefree, happy, joyous, curious, and in awe of the world.
I've missed it.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Sometimes, living out your purpose is difficult to do, though. I know that I have definitely struggled with loving others. I feel like it was the way I had to learn it, too. I used to think loving people would be a breeze, but then God put me in situations that proved me wrong. I mean, I knew that there'd be hard times and people that would give me a hard time to try to love, but man, I never knew there'd be near impossible times and people that would completely test and push my limits of loving them. It really was an eye opening experience and it's just more proof that I'm still learning and growing and I have so much more left to learn about love. Love is unconditional and I strive to show that sort of love as God does, but I am merely human and well, loving people is probably one of the hardest things I do. Thankfully, I don't have to just love them out of my self, God loves them through me, so it makes it easier. God shines his light on me and I am able to reflect it to others and that's the main focus. I just have to make sure others can see Christ in me because his love surpasses all other love.
And because we live in this puzzle, I am thankful for everyone else and their gifts and all that they bring to the table. For those that play music-thankyou, and please, pursue that with all of your heart, soul, and mind. You were blessed with that talent, use it for what it's meant for. To those of you that teach-inform others of all that you can, be open to helping those out that are confused or don't understand, you're able to ensure that they understand things even just a little bit better. This list could go on and on, I just want everyone to know that what they do, the gifts that they have, they're important and that we should use everything in our power to live out the life God intended us to.
My purpose in this life is to love others. Being loved in return would be nice, but never necessarily necessary. I want to be that person that others can rely on, the one that you can go to when times get rough, the person you can trust. That is my sole desire. Other than living for God, I'm not sure there is anything else that makes me happier than to see other's be happy and simply enjoying life. I am excited to start school back up in the fall and finish earning my degree in Sociology. I will also be studying Social Work and Religion and I am so anxious to learn all that I can. After I graduate, I'll be able to put my degree to use and even moreso of my love. I'll be able to counsel others, help people that are in difficult situations, and let them know that they can make it out, happiness is inevitable. It really and truly is.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Your Keirsey Temperament Sorter Results indicates that your personality type is that of the Idealist.
Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.
Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.
Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.
Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.
Idealists at Work
Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. They are naturally drawn to working with people and are gifted with helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potential both on, and off, the job.
Because you live in anticipation of an exciting future, in your ideal job you will be asked to stretch your imagination on a continual basis. Existing ideas, individuals and groups of people, products, services, and the relationships between these things can trigger flashes of insight about how "what is" might unfold into "what might be." You feel rewarded where you feel free to share your insights with people who encourage your creativity and who support the unpredictable process by which you narrow down the stream of ideas into innovations that are meaningful within the scheme of your personal values. You are likely to be comfortable taking on a leadership role, so long as it doesn’t place you in an arbitrary hierarchy.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
What they wear, how they look, how much stuff they have, what kind of car they drive.
I've been to a lot of funerals and have never yet eulogized for a person for any of that kind of stuff.
They never talk about what a nice house they had or a nice car they drove.
It's always about the relationships.
Were they kind? Were they generous? Did they help others?
It's always what they talked about because that's all that really counts in the end.
The people you touched are your real legacy. You're not defined by what you take from this world.
The fact is you won't take anything with you.
You're defined by what you leave behind, what you give to this world and by how you impact other people.
It's been said that there's only two ways to live: You can either love things and use people, or you can love people and use things.
I've made my choice. I'm going to love people and use things.
People, they last forever.
Everything else just burns.
Everyday I think about life and death. Not in a depressing way, but I am constantly thinking about the impression I make on people. How are people going to remember me? We discussed this Wednesday night at church, and I decided I wanted to be remembered as a positive person, somebody looking at the bright side of every situation, uplifting. But what else do I want to be remembered for? I always said I want to change the world, I still do, I just feel that I've drifted from that strong passion. It's still there, but now when I think about it, I see it as a far off dream that I strive for but will never reach. That's a negative way to view it, huh? I can reach it, I've just been discouraged because I feel that I'm not where I need to be in my relationship with Christ anymore, which is true. I love God, I'm struggling, but I know I can come out hand in hand with Him. He saved me, I want everyone to know that. My life needs to shine for Him every second of every day.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Rain. Rinsing things away. You know that I'm going to get "Godly" with this sort of a topic, right? Well, if that's what you were thinking, you definitely were correct with your thoughts. God comes and he rinses away sin, the grass lying in our driveway, the seemingly wonderful artwork we created to create a new pallet, a clean canvas to start anew. And sometimes, God leaves watermarks, signs for others to see that he has come down into our lives to rinse away some bad. You might be confused, but that's okay, I tend to think in ways that only make sense in my mind and as of now, I am aware that I have been a bit out there with my words, but if you take time to try to understand what I'm thinking and saying, maybe you'll understand a bit better.
Lately, there's been a lot going on. Lately as in the past several months. I haven't blogged since the beginning of the year, so I have definitely had a lot building up on my mind. This is my release and I haven't released in so long, there's just so much I've thought about.
One thing that people have been talking to me a lot about lately has been dating. And I haven't really had much say in the discussion other than "I don't date, that's just not my thing," but I have noticed from a few people's reactions that they don't understand that as "Oh, okay, you're just not into relationships or anything of the sort at the time," but they take it a step further to think, "Ohhhhhh, you like to fool around with guys and be promiscuous, niiiiice." That is not what I mean when I say "I don't date," what I mean is that my mind isn't even on that issue. I do not think about dating or trying to get a guy to like me, that is what I mean. I don't wake up thinking about any guys other than God and my family. My focus is to keep my life straight and to always remember who created the wonderful life that I live. Eventually, this dating discussion turns into, "well, what characteristics do you look for? What are the qualities you seek?" Well, I don't seek any qualities since I am not thinking about dating, I have so much other stuff going on, however, I do have qualities that are set, basic standards if you may, of what a guy that I will date when the time is right. The quality that I realized is the only standard I have is that the guy be Christ-like. I feel that if he resembles Christ, then everything will fall into place. I don't want anyone who just thinks about God on Sundays, or on holidays, or three or even six times a week. I want somebody who is more in love with Christ than any other person, including myself. I want somebody who will drop everything at any given moment to live the life God called him to, with absolutely nothing holding him back. That's the kind of guy I pray for and know will enter into my life when God has that time set. With that quality, all the other qualities I could ever think of, will be there, everything will follow suit if his heart is striving daily to be like Christ.
While I say I would appreciate that quality in somebody, I also would appreciate that quality in myself. I need to remember to strive daily to live my life like that. I fail. I like to say that I'll try to live my life that way, but I always go back on my word. I need to say it and stick with it this time. I'm not only going to try to live my life completely Christ-like, I AM going to live my life 100% for God. Forget everyone else, humans are humans. I'm a human, I know that I let people down, I know that I go back on my word, I just said that I do, so for me to care so much about what other humans think or to try to please them is just absurd. My opinion is constantly changing on topics, so to try to please myself daily is a difficult task, I need to just focus on pleasing God. That is my life goal, to be more and more Christ-like each and everyday. I don't feel like that calls for shouting out about God at the top of my lungs in the middle of Wal*Mart, I feel like living my life this way is to just make sure that God is seen through my actions, through my words, through my life. I need to let his light shine brighter than ever before. This will happen.
Life is wonderful.
It always will be.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
So much has gone through my mind the past few weeks. Deaths have happened, I have been confused, why? I know the greater reason of "why," but I just cannot wrap my mind around it. I'm trying, I really am. But there are just many things that you cannot reach with such a simple human mind. I have this life, I want to treasure it. I know that there is so much more out there for me, for my future, for my life. I have so much and I appreciate it all and too often, I take the simple things for granted.
I am making changes, I am going to be happier again, I am going to be positive nearly every moment of everyday and I am going to look forward and not back. These changes will apply to my spiritual self-to get closer with God, my health-exercising much more often and eating healthier, as well as the relationships in my life-surrounding myself with positive, loving, cheerful people. I will make changes that I read or hear about, but never really applied before, I will improve my will, my devotion, my dedication, and my perseverance. When I'm back in school, I will do my work whenever it needs to be done, I will try my hardest to no longer procrastinate. If I know that something needs to get done, I will do it without excuses. So much improvement is going to happen. Realistically, it will not happen overnight, or even maybe not in the next month or few months, it will take quite a bit of time for all of these changes. I need to take life one step at a time, ensuring that stress is not overpowering myself and that I can stay optimistic throughout the process.
I am thankful for my family and my friends that I have to support me through these changes. I am going to be even better than I was before. I am going through so much and I am learning even more than I thought possible. I might not notice the changes, but others are, and that is wonderful. If other people can tell that I am happier, more responsible, more loving, then that's a good sign. I'm on the right track. I just need to keep pressing forward. I can do it, I know I can. God knows I can. I have faith, I have love, I have support. I have it all. I am grateful for all of this, I am grateful for love. Life is good, forever and always.
Changes don't have to be bad at all. Together, we can overcome it all. I love you. Thank-you.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
And when I say "caught my eye," I mean that I felt I could relate to them a decent amount, at least on some level.
I never seem to want anyone to know everything about me. I don't know if I do it on purpose or not, I just know people are constantly telling me throughout my years that they don't "get me" and that they have honestly never met a single person like me. I am a mystery, I am complex, I am deep. I'm sorry that I don't let you in.
Okay, so the x-ray part is pretty creepy to be honest, but I agree with wanting to escape. I also want to get away. I am fine with where I am now because I am in California, away from the life I've been living, not that is was "bad," but I was far from happy there. I am going to continue to live a life that is more like me, that is more my desire, more of my calling. I am going to escape from the day to day life I am used to back at home, I am going to move on. It is scary, but I can do it.
Here it is. This person knows that so many people are waiting on a sign for it to be okay for them to leave, to move on. I wasn't exactly waiting for any sign, I already received mine, but I know what this is like. It's just reassuring and it brings me joy to see that somebody sent in this postcard. It makes me think about wanting to leave and being wary about it, but then being reassured that I can do it. There is no better time than the present. Here and now, baby. Make it happen.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Am I shy because I am uncomfortable being around people?
Or am I shy because I feel that anything I say and/or do is irrelevant and therefore invaluable?
I'm thinking it's more of the second one. I just feel that anything I say or do is unimportant. Anytime I have anything to say, I tend to be shut out, spoken over, or disregarded. Basically, I don't speak because I feel as if nobody cares as to what I have to say. I've felt this way for quite some time now and am just getting a better grip to put this all together. It makes a lot of sense and I don't argue one bit that this is the reason that I am anti-social and shy. I also have a problem with trusting people, I just lack trust in human nature. I find great difficulty in trusting anyone whenever they speak to me, especially things regarding friendship or love. I have found that I lack respect and faith in people, at least in our society. It's actually quite a bit disappointing and it stinks that I feel this way. I am going to try to work on this and to improve, however, I am struggling. It is like a bad habit that I need to quit. It's kind of sad how quickly bad habits can form, and yet they take so long to break.
I am going to work on this, I need to be better.
I need to regain faith in people. I need to be able to trust the people that I want to love so dearly, it's just so difficult. I've built up such a sturdy wall, now I need to tear the whole thing down. I'm sure I can do it, it will just take a lot of time, I have faith in myself...kind of...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I am finally in a way, free, and it feels that at the same time, I am far from that. This life is something I greatly love, this is the life I will one day live. I wish it could be from this time on, but I know this is greatly impossible, at least ridiculously highly unlikely. And wow, that was a lot of -ly's all in a row.
I spend these nights counting stars like a runaway and maybe I could call this home tonight. I whisper all these secrets to a blank page. So call me California, call me what you will cause I am bigger than this place and so far from alone.
I now know that I am capable of what I never thought was possible at this point in my life. Sure, some things I still need major support on, but the general concept is something I can do. I have too little faith in myself. I do not believe I can do very much, and yet I set such high expectations of myself. I think I am learning more about myself now than I have in a while and definitely learning things about myself that I couldn't have learned back at home. You might think I'm ignorant, immature, or just plain idiotic, but you know what, that's okay. Things are changing, times are changing, I am changing. This has been a process that has been going on, I feel that I have just been trapped in a place and life that wasn't truly me. I wasn't myself, I wasn't comfortable, I wasn't as happy as I could be. I finally am happier, I am doing better than I was before. Some people say that you can't just pick up and leave and be happy, but I am going to say that you can. It is possible. I didn't have much going for me back in Florida, not at all. At least not in Jacksonville, I knew it in my heart, I definitely knew it. It hurt me that I had to stay there, I didn't have a choice, I still don't have a choice but to go back and finish school there, but living this life now has given me motivation to finish school quickly and to do well so that I can move out of that state to somewhere else. Give me hope if I haven't lost this feeling. You are so far gone, I'm not pretending that you're all I want, just keep it steady.
I found a reason, wipe your eyes.
I am officially 100 percent over Florida. I was over it before, but I have never been so sure until now. Hopefully over the next few months I will learn even more about myself and the country in which I live so I can successfully move to somewhere I truly love whenever I finish school in another 2 years.
To sleep with only memories is harder every night.
Trust me, things are still difficult missing my family and very few "friends," but I know this is better for me. I need to be more independent, I am way too dependent upon others. Especially on my family and on the two friends I'm actually still in contact with. I can even tell and feel that I am drifting away from one of them already. So my family and Nick are all that I have from back home. I'm glad that I wasn't close to many people because otherwise, this might be difficult, I might be homesick, thankfully I'm not. I am glad that I only had my family. My family was there for me all of the time, even though sometimes I struggled getting along or being happy there, I knew they were going to be there for me in the long haul, they'd always love me, well, most of the time. I am still scared of some things, but my family is my number one, I do miss them a ton, do not get me wrong, but I have got to grow up sometime, why not now? Why not when I am still weary on life and where I stand? I needed a push, I needed motivation, I received it, and here I am, standing on my own two feet with my family only as a post to lean on instead of being a tripod underneath me. I have to admit that I was extremely worried, but I am making it okay. I am doing well. As for friends, I didn't really have any. People may find that offensive, but it is true. I suppose I only really had one friend at the time of me moving and that was Nick Campbell who has texted and/or called me everyday even if I haven't been able to respond back to him because of my busy days. I'm glad to know that I did make at least one decent friend, no offense to anyone else, but really, who was truly a friend to me? Because I cannot think of another one other than Nick and I'm sorry if that hurts you, but it's the truth. I just didn't have any other friends.
Living in a house with 13 others is nice, I have somebody there almost all of the time. People of different dynamics and people I can relate to, people who are caring and loving, people who have experienced so much at all of our young ages. It is just really comforting and nice. I love these people so much already, I am glad that I am getting this experience. They are helping me adjust really well to this new life, I am extremely thankful for all of them.
I'm not sure if I have much else to say, this post is already ridiculously long.
I just had a lot on my mind. A lot. And I'm sure there is more, but I just feel like relaxing and not thinking so much. Maybe I'll go read a book or something, not really sure, I just have to do something. Have a great day, all.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Lost, found, I'm here, but I still see nothing.
I want to know the mystery.
No greater love could be bestowed.
This love is the one true love.
Never do I desire for this love to ever be overpowered or replaced.
I have a greater purpose on this Earth than I could ever imagine.
Things are going to be greater than I could possibly even long for.
This life, it is going to result in so much more than I could ever want.
God knows what I need, I know that I need God.
Together, my life will go on in great success.
However, apart, things will not go so well.
I know this and I am capable of keeping this from happening, I do believe I can do this, I know I can, God knows I can, so why let myself and God down? There's no point.
Life is so much more than this. Life is God. God is life. God is love. Love is God.
In my mind, these things can only co-exist, never could one exist without the other.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I'm living in California. There is no way that I could be here without God. I am working for Toms Shoes as a vagabond and impacting the world. I am helping to be the change. Keep your coins, I want change. Life will go on, life will be amazing. So far, it has been nothing but amazing. Sure, there have been some foggy times that I couldn't see the positive, but further down the road, I saw the good in it, and thankfully I have gotten to the point that I can usually stay positive about some of the worst situations. Blessed. Love. God loves me. God loves you. I love you.