Saturday, January 4, 2014

I am letting myself go.

I think it's okay to not know what you want out of life. I think it's okay to live knowing your purpose, but not knowing how to fulfill that purpose. I think that will come with time. And I don't think there is a specific timeline that we all must follow. Each person is different, each of our lives is specific to who we are.

I'm not who I'm supposed to be. At least that's my understanding. I'm not living this good ol' American dream life. I'm 24 and I'm not "settled" or on my way to be settled. I have a wandering soul and no desire to be kept in one place. I don't have commitments that keep me in one location and while I find that freeing, other people see it as irresponsible. I may not know exactly what I want to do, so what's wrong with doing a lot of things to figure out what it is I want to do? Why do I have to pick one thing now that doesn't bring joy or happiness? Why do I have to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life by the time I'm 25?

I understand my brother is engaged, owns a house. My parents were married and having children when they were just a few years older than I am now. A good amount of my friends are married, have children, or are at least engaged. They have "settled down." And there is nothing wrong with that, but at the same time, I don't think there's anything wrong with the way I've chosen to live life either.

I have a passion to see the world. To help people, to experience life in a way other's only dream of. Why do I need to join the millions that live a mundane life and dream of living a different life when I can actually live that life? Why do I need to live a life that others see fit? It's difficult because I'm not understood. I'm not sure how to be.

I want to live life. I want to see things. I want to travel. I want to live with reckless abandon. I want to mess up and learn from it. I want to "fail" so I can learn from it, because in my eyes, that's not failing at all. You live and you learn. You get yourself into difficult situations, but because of those, you come out stronger. How is that irresponsible? How is it irresponsible to have the ambition to live the life you want? We're taught about all of these places growing up, why can't I visit these places? Why can't I work in everything? Why do I have to be a master of one specific thing? What is wrong with being a jack of all trades and a master of none?

I'm sick of being told I'm irresponsible or I need to settle down so people can stop worrying about me. Just stop worrying about me. I'm not going to change the way I live life. I want to live, truly live. I don't want to live a life I don't want to. You can want to live a specific life, that's fine. I'm not going to tell you you're wrong in doing so. At the same time, don't tell me I'm wrong for wanting to live a life different from the status quo.

I've been told that people appreciate the fact that I live life with a "Why not?" perspective. I want to continue to be that person. If an opportunity arises, why not take it? Why wait? Why wait until things fall into place? Because if I waited for that, I'd be waiting forever. I'd be stuck waiting for the "perfect time" when really, that time is now. How is a time other than NOW any more perfect?

Sure I change my mind a lot. But that's not because I don't know what I want. It's because I know that I want to do it all. I don't care in what order, I just want to do things. I want to live. Experience. Laugh and be happy. I want to experience life on a level that so many others never get to.  This world is beautiful, is it not? I want to see it. I want to see how people live. I want to help people that need help. I don't care about making money or having a secure job, I care about helping other's reach their potential and helping others to live life to the fullest. And one way I've been able to do that is to live that. I live the life that I want to live, the life I dream of living.

I can't let people hold me back. I'm sorry for letting people down. But I can't live my life to make other's happy and letting myself be miserable in the process. I'm sorry that you don't understand why I want to live life this way. I'm sorry that while my mind sees it as exploring new opportunities that somehow you see it as running away from things. It's not running away from the past, it's running towards the future, towards the unknown and towards new opportunities. It's running to live a life I desire, towards happiness and a life of excitement.

I want to be happy. And for me, happiness is in the unknown. The adventure.

God made such a beautiful world and he gave me this bravery and spunk to explore it. So please, join me on this journey. I need your love and your support. I don't need you to be the rest of the world pointing out things that could go wrong. I don't need more people pointing out flaws or mistakes, I need you showing love and support. Showing me that I'll make it and that you love me. That life is worth living and you appreciate my desire to live life undaunted.

I need to do this. I have to.

I'm so sorry for letting you down. I am. But I can't live a life continually letting myself down. Stuck in one place. Living a life for others to be comfortable instead of for myself and what I want out of life.

I'm 24. I'm selfish. I'm stupid. Let me make these mistakes.

For 2014, I want to live a life of adventure.


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